Greek mythology tells the story of Sisyphus, the mortal king cursed by Zeus to continuously push the same boulder up a mountain, only to have it roll back down when he got to the top. To think of Sisyphus is to imagine being trapped in eternal repetition of the same pattern, never achieving resolution, always getting set back to square one. Sisyphus had no power over his situation - he’d been hexed by Zeus (who was known to be a bit of a nob). Yet how many of us find ourselves relentlessly pursuing the same quest, only to be crushed by the familiar outcome?
Most of us will have experienced the frustration of being stuck in a negative pattern, be it career goals, relationships or self-talk. Like a moth to a flame, we continue to chase things that don’t serve us. Our hot pursuit only leading to us getting burned over and over again.
It’s extremely common and there are many reasons why we do this…
The familiar feels safe.
We may (or may not) know our behaviours are dysfunctional, but we repeat behaviours because they’re familiar to us and therefore (despite being detrimental) feel safe. They’re comfortable. They suit the ingrained scripts we developed in childhood (e.g. I never get what I want, I have to earn love, I always fail, I’m only valued for how I look etc.). We know what to expect from them and therefore our unconscious feels calmed by the familiarity while our conscious mind is going nuts. (This dissonance between the conscious and unconscious is the root of anxiety and most mental health issues).
We learned these behaviours as a child. The beliefs, coping skills, and behavioural patterns we learned in childhood are so deeply entrenched because we learned them when our brains were developing. It takes work to rewire and rewrite these scripts, but it is possible (and vital for our mental health).
We think suffering is part of our personal brand. Children who experienced trauma or difficulty of any kind most often grow up to believe that their life should be painful. Suffering is inevitable to all as part of the human condition, but some really put extra weight on the boulder they push uphill. They don’t believe they deserve or can access love, in any of its forms, and so live in unhealthy behaviours because it feels right.
But MOST importantly, we (unconsciously) repeat our suffering in order to gain mastery over it.
For example, if we grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent, we will forever chase relationships with emotionally unavailable people because our psyche is determined to correct this. It’s unfinished business that we unconsciously can’t get over, so we fixate on repeating the dynamic in the hope that this time it will be different! (which, of course, it never is). In this case, emotionally available people will be of zero interest to us, no matter how great they are, because (ironically) they can’t give us what we want - to be loved by someone who didn’t want us. It’s utterly spellbinding. Our conscious mind truly believes we’re operating in the present when actually we’re simply replaying the past. To become aware of this is to start to release ourselves from this pattern and understand that the intensity of our feelings are an amalgamation of past pain. Identifying what we really need (that we never got) helps us be clear on what it is we’re really chasing.
These patterns aren’t specific to relationships and can be equally as torturous in our careers. We might constantly set ourselves up to fail because of a childhood script that we aren’t deserving, or we might inevitably self-sabotage whenever things go well due to a paralysing fear of failure originating from the script that we will never get what we want or we aren’t good enough.
What’s important to remember is that, unlike Sisyphus, we are not cursed. We can pick and choose what we do with that boulder and how far we take it. If we can recognise patterns of repeated behaviours that only cause us pain, we can make the choice to change our actions. And if the boulder continues to roll back down the mountain, maybe this time we won’t go chasing after it.
The Spin
Our unconscious follows what’s familiar because it feels safe.
Behaviours learned through childhood experiences are deeply ingrained within us. They are mostly responsible for our internal scripts and any limiting beliefs we might hold.
We can find ourselves repeating painful patterns of behaviour over and over again because our unconscious has something it is determined to fix.
Most often, the dynamic we are trying to master is not, as we might assume, the current situation/relationship but actually an echo of past pain.
By recognising patterns, we can identify our real needs and choose to make different choices in the present.
Adding More Weight
It’s Your Brains Fault You Make the Same Mistakes
Repeating Mistakes in Relationships
Why We Chase Those Who Don’t Want Us
Option to Go Deeper
Are you stuck in a pattern?
Maybe you go for the same type of character in relationships. Maybe you keep finding yourself in the same friendship struggles. Perhaps you’re in a negative cycle with your career. Are you able to step back and identify when this pattern started? Where did it originate? And what is it you really need? What is your psyche trying to fix for you?
I'm in the 'not enough' camp after having it blatantly pointed out to me in a coaching session. It's odd being told you're literally standing in your own way and actively avoiding situations where you might succeed because at some point your child brain put two and two together and got five. But at least once you're aware of it, you can do something about it, even though it's hard! A great read, thank you! :)
Very interesting, and it reminded me of a pattern I had and managed to break. Will say more soon!