Are We Afraid to Love?

How the balance of love and fear affects our life choices.

As we move through life, we’re persistently making unconscious judgements to navigate each experience and interaction; Is that Good or Bad?

It’s the earliest discrimination we’re taught as infants to help keep us safe (e.g. stay away from bleach, fire, stranger with sweets etc.). It’s also the lazy differentiator we might use to perceive the rights and wrongs of morality. In fact, many of us will be governed by this (wildly subjective and misleading) calculation throughout the rest of our lives unless we learn otherwise.

I still struggle with this myself at times. Growing up, that distinction of good and bad felt so necessary for me to make sense of the world. As someone who feels intensely about things, I needed a structure (or permission) to know whether something was good or bad so I could either throw myself into it or stay away from it completely. However, for a long time this over-simplified outlook merely kept me stuck in an under-developed mindset.

The world through a healthy adult lens is nuanced. The risks to our safety change with time, requiring a more conscious relationship with perceived danger. Unless we update our processing system to the adult, more responsible vantage-point, our discriminatory function can become distorted, making anything less than ‘good’ a threat. We may become hyper-vigilant as a result, unable to consciously determine whether the threat is physical or psychological.

It’s something many of us battle with. Our emotional response matrix is formed in early development, therefore healthy adjustment requires the appropriate attunement from care-givers - and parents of previous generations often didn’t have the time, resources, or education to provide this for their children. It would be unfair to blame these parents however, when society never prioritised emotional development as a critical pillar of health. 🤷‍♀️

Hyper-vigilance does have its place, of course. It’s a highly effective skill for protection given that it can detect danger, ward off intruders, and identify potential threats. If our main objective is protection, it’s fantastic! It has a negative bias (‘rather safe than sorry’) so it makes snap judgements, assumes attack (criticism) wherever possible, and operates in defence - (becoming closed, guarded, highly suspicious) - ready to fight or flee at any give moment.

Like I said, if protection is the objective it’s a winner… However, if we want to connect or be in a relationship, it’s an absurd barrier to our long-term happiness!

Now let’s change the lens of good vs. bad to one of love vs. fear.

There’s a confronting honesty about love vs. fear that puts the responsibility right back on us. Rather than an external decree that can sway the jury of our mind towards the negative or positive, this examination focuses solely on the what and why of our personal responses.

If we’re truly honest with ourselves, how often does fear get the final say in our decision-making?

I should take this job because I might never get another opportunity!

I should go to the party because it will look bad if I don’t!

I should marry this person in case I never meet anyone better!

I should agree with my partner to avoid conflict!

I should have children with this person in case I miss my window!

It’s funny how we label emotions as ‘soft’ when they seem to be the hardest things for us to grapple with. I’ve worked with brilliant entrepreneurs who’ll take major risks in business, shrewd investors willing to make huge financial commitments, and gamblers momentarily fearless when faced with the roulette of possibility. Yet none of them would yield an authentic emotion for fear of getting hurt.

The key is to get to know our fear so we can recognise it when it shows up. To acknowledge fear as that clever master of stealth who will masquerade as any convincing alternative when it feels hunted. It will present logic, imply common sense, and justify all manner of avoidance if it glimpses any chance of pain on the horizon.

While it may seem like the list of fears we have are endless (from flying to poverty to public speaking), at the core, most of us are afraid of 6 things:

1. Death

2. Loneliness

3. Pain

4. Embarrassment

5. Rejection

6. Loss of control

But are we also afraid of love?

A lot of my therapy work involves helping clients find healthy happy relationships, yet the majority first have to reckon with the part they play in holding themselves back. A common pattern is the attraction to partners who are emotionally or physically unavailable, or just obviously unsuitable. “But we have this amazing connection!”, they tell me. Yes! - two people both secretly terrified of intimacy and vulnerability. There are no stars aligning there, just good old fear dressed up in a sexy outfit looking for a playmate.

What’s Love Got to Do with It?

Unlike fear, love doesn’t hide itself. It doesn’t play tricks. It isn’t magic or ethereal or out of reach. It’s always there, but is buried under the armour we accumulated over time. That uniform of war we wear to fight past pain and trauma. The performative head-dress we adorn to distract and confuse those we fear may get too close.

But love is always there. Beating like the heart itself, relentless and hopeful until our last breath. It’s more reliable than fear. Love (real love) isn’t governed by ego so it’s not swayed by our needs, wants and desires. It isn’t romance or excitement or ‘feeling seen’. It might accompany these things, sure. But those are the things that wash over us in waves, whilst love is the constant bedrock beneath.

When I think of past relationships, I think of people I was deeply connected to for a time. Some of those relationships ended badly. Some went on far longer than they should. But when the hurt and miscommunication, the projections and the resentment washes out with the tide of time, it’s love that remains. Not an attachment to feelings for them, but just the absence of fear now I’m no longer invested enough for them to hurt me.

Is it Us or Them?

Love is connection in its purest form. It is the heart that brings life-force to everything. It’s what can connect us to each other, to our soul, to nature, and the earth itself.

Fear will draw enemy lines. It makes our world smaller, assuming only one oxygen mask and limited air to breathe. Fear is designed to give us strength in times of life-threatening danger, so it shuts away love so we can’t humanise each other. This strength to fight or flee can make us feel powerful. But in our righteous indignations of anger, resentment, cold indifference, or all manner of reactions in between, we’re simply being governed by fear. Seduced by individualist thinking to abate the impact of potential pain.

If another person is a genuine threat to our safety, these reactions are highly necessary. But how often are we simply triggered by a past or possible pain?

If fear is our protector, then love is our connector. One creates distance whilst the other seeks to bring us closer. Fear wants to discriminate ‘good and bad’ so it can act accordingly. But whilst fear will always think it’s saving the day, we should really ask ourselves how often we’re letting it get in the way…

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Reflection

What was the last decision you made from a place of only love?

When do you think fear might have clouded your judgement?

What decisions might you need to make in your current life, and where might love and fear be playing a role?