Why So Avoidant, Bro?
The different ways avoidant behaviours manifest
I’m currently mired in the depths of writing an unreasonably long essay, part of which requires me to explore Attachment Theory. I’ve definitely hit a wall, and rather than write what I know of the Avoidant, Anxious and Disorganised, I simply seem to have embodied them, like neurotic cousins of Snow White’s henchmen.
Attachment Theory aside, most of us find ways to be avoidant when presented with discomfort, which has little to do with our attachment style in relationships. We’re hard-wired as a matter of primal self-protection to avoid anything we perceive as a threat. But our cerebral cortex doesn’t waste time differentiating whether a threat is physical or emotional, it just raises the alarms and screams ‘THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!’ into our nervous system. As we rationally take in our surroundings, it can be confusing to try to marry perceived threat with reality, but we remove ourselves from the situation anyway, either mentally or physically. Better safe than sorry.
In Professor Matthew McKay’s recent book, Mind and Emotions, he outlays 5 categories of avoidant behaviours.
Situational Avoidance
Likely the most obvious type of avoidance is situational avoidance. This can include dodging people, places or things to avoid discomfort, whether it be a difficult conversation, a crowd we don’t feel good in, or crossing the street to swerve someone we recognise (what Londoners would call ‘good daily practice’).
Situational avoidance might also occur as a result of trauma. Perhaps avoiding fireworks after living through war, or getting into a vehicle after a car accident. If unattended to, these situational circumstances can activate a form of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Trauma can be buried in the unconscious, and we’re collectively starting to understand more about what constitutes trauma and how it manifests in the body. A person considered ‘high-functioning’ might likely rationalise they simply don’t want to do something, yet suddenly find their somatic response extreme, flying into panic or rage.
Cognitive Avoidance
Cognitive avoidance is when we deliberately ignore certain thoughts so we don’t have to deal with them. This is a common facet of grief, but also a function of those suffering with underlying insecurity. It can come in many forms of distraction such as day-dreaming, dissociating, or those heinous ‘good vibes only’ types who refuse to acknowledge their gaping sadness and beckoning breakdown.
It can also take the form of seemingly negative emotions or behaviours such as obsessive thoughts, hypercondria or chronic worrying. These unconscious distractions to the outside observer might appear non-sensical, but they serve to shift attention and focus to something intense enough to block out whatever is to be avoided. This is common in those who’ve experienced childhood trauma, particularly at the non-verbal stage, perhaps even before they can remember.
Somatic Avoidance
Somatic avoidance is when we avoid situations that make us ‘feel’. It may present as a symptom of depression whereby a person wishes to avoid anything that may register in their body such as going outside, exercising or socialising. But it can also occur in people who have developed heightened defences and therefore refuse to let themselves fall in love or experience intimacy.
In cases of anxiety or post-traumatic stress, it may be the case that experiences likely to initiate emotional recalibration, such as exciting events or unexpected situations, will be associated with fear, panic or heart palpitations, signalling danger to the individual.
Protective Avoidance
This form of avoidance is closely linked with a sense of control. It might be that we focus our attention on managing our physical environment through compulsive cleaning, obsessive neatness or the alphabetical categorisation of our spice cupboard (don’t judge me, I found it soothing!). Having power over order and structure provides a feeling of control and therefore safety.
Another way protective avoidance might manifest is in forever focussing on the negative or ‘worst case scenario’. This can be frustrating to others who perceive the person to be perpetually miserable, but many find great comfort in negative thinking as a form of protection, either to avoid or anticipate (control) disappointment or rejection.
Substitutional Avoidance
Substitutional avoidance can present itself in many forms and we’ve likely all engaged with it at one time or another. This might be emotional substitution, such as using anger to avoid sadness, or numbness to stifle rage. What might seem harmless or even positive as a substitution is a rejection of feeling, which in the long-term gets distorted in the psyche harbouring underlying resentment and toxic shame, just to name a few.
Externally, substitutional avoidance might be a reliance on a coping mechanism to sooth discomfort or pain. Alcohol, food, drugs, porn, stamp collecting - all the vices. When our relationship with these things is built on emotional substitution, it’s a sleigh ride into dependancy and substance abuse. Before we know it, what initially made us feel good has us being carted off to rehab, crying as they prise the stamps out of our hands.
What can I say, as human beings we’ve become experts at the reactional dodge. In fact, most of our mental struggles, pains and frustrations can likely be traced back to an avoidance of some sort. Knowing this can help us explore and identify what it is we’re trying to avoid (if not obvious) and understand the root cause. Either privately or with a therapist, we can then learn to navigate emotions without displacing them, cope with distress without going emotionally AWOL, and calm the ever-demonic need for instant gratification.
That’s the theory, anyway. Now, I’ve got an essay to get back to.. [sigh]
..maybe I’ll just check my emails first.
The Spin
If there’s a pattern or behaviour that isn’t serving us, it may be an avoidant behaviour that thinks it’s protecting us from something that poses a threat.
If our responses to events or situations seem out of proportion, it might indicate that there’s an underlying fear that we’re trying to avoid.
Identifying what it is we’re afraid of that has been activated by what we wish to avoid can help us to change negative unwanted patterns of behaviour.
Adding More Weight
Read: Mind and Emotions, Matthew McKay
Also: Stolen Focus, Johann Hari
Why Do We Procrastinate? How Can We Stop?
Option to Go Deeper
What are you avoiding right now?
Work deadline? Responding on WhatsApp? Committing to social plans? That pile of admin?
These things all seem fairly mundane - but through an introspective lens, what threat do these things pose? What’s been activated that you wish to escape from, and why?
Another interesting and educational piece, with a 'That 70's Show' reference thrown in too! Good stuff.