What's You, What's Me, and What's We?
Recognising intentions, baggage and boundaries in relationships
Anyone who has spoken to me in the last two weeks will no doubt have had to listen to me extol the brilliance of the BBC documentary, Couples Therapy. You don’t have to be a psychology nerd (🙋♀️) to enjoy the back and forth of couples wrestling through their issues whilst their sassy New York therapist acts as referee. For anyone wishing to channel their inner voyeur, it’s anthropologically delicious.
The relatability is vast. OK, so we’re not all in relationships. Nor are we all in a position to visit Dr. Orna in her downtown NYC practise once a week. But the all too familiar trappings of a relationship that has unexpectedly become hard work is an unfortunate life experience that most of us can relate to. It reminds us that relationships (of any kind) are complicated. These couples clearly love each other, but for a multitude of reasons their propensity for rubbing each other up the wrong way has superseded their initial draw to rubbing each other the right way.
I experienced couples therapy myself during a previous relationship. Week after week we’d sit there in an energetic haze of hope and frustration as we appealed to ‘Mommy’ to see our side. It was a fascinating experience that ultimately wasn’t enough to save us. We were speaking different languages under a weighty armour of past pain.
We assume that love grants us proximity to a person. As if the extent of our feelings will directly equate to how easy it will be to understand, and be understood by them. When in fact, their emotional proximity means their actions (or reactions) can feel as wounding as being shot in the face at close range.
What struck me when watching the show was the reminder that so much of what we drag into relationships (our eventual weapons of mass destruction) are past pains that well-precede the war-at-hand. This is not just true of romantic relationships and can be just as devastating in friendships. Our words, actions or even basic expressions can detonate something deeply painful in the other, often triggering a fight, flight, or key-their-car response. It can seemingly come from nowhere. One minute you’re simpatico, moods and laughs in parallel, and the next thing you know, you’re tracking two very different vibes.
To safely navigate this turbulence of communication, it’s important to first take responsibility for what we ourselves are bringing into the relationship, in order to correctly identify what is, to use the professional term, ‘someone else’s shit’. There’ll be missteps on both sides, of course. Relationships are a dance, and lest we forget it takes two to tango. But effective communication, where both parties feel seen and heard, can be a struggle for even the best intentioned if we don’t set the right foundations from the start.
Setting boundaries
Establishing your boundaries is crucial in order to have functional and rewarding relationships. In the context of psychology, boundaries are the defining lines of what we consider to be appropriate or comfortable. Knowing where we end and others begin. What’s ours and what’s not. By acknowledging and respecting boundaries, we recognise that every adult is responsible for themselves, so we’re subsequently less likely to get tangled up in co-dependency where we feel responsible for the emotions and behaviours of others. (Unless they’re an actual dependent like a child or an unruly houseplant). This can be particularly difficult for people who aren’t in touch with their own needs. So-called ‘people pleasers’ are notoriously porous when it comes to boundaries. By being honest with ourselves about what we need, we can learn to ask for our needs to be met, or at least be clear about where our comfort levels lie. When used without malice, the word ‘No’ can be a surprisingly positive scaffold in an otherwise shaky interaction. It allows both parties to know where they stand, setting a clear precedent for how to build from there.
Understanding your own intention
Explore genuine intentions. What kind of friend/partner/family member do we want to be? What is it that we want from another? And is that person capable of that kind of relationship?
Since we can't control other people’s behavior, focussing on our intentions can be helpful in establishing the aforementioned boundaries. The intention may be:
to be a loving, supportive family member
to preserve a positive work environment with a co-worker
to be an accepting partner
to enjoy quality time together
to be fully present with someone
to show empathy and compassion to someone
Upon reflection, we may notice some underlying intentions that are not serving the relationships at hand. For example:
to feel needed
to feel like number one
to feel powerful
to feel worthy or good enough
to feel desirable
Not that these things won’t come into play from time to time, but if these are our driving intentions, then inner material will most likely be triggered when a partner chooses to work late or a friend cancels plans.
Being mindful of your own material
We’ve all got our stuff. Cases of baggage that take up space in a relationship, whether neatly stored or overpacked and prone to exploding open unannounced. What we bring into a relationship, if not clearly identified, can end up getting projected onto the other. We might become triggered and respond in heightened defence of having an old wound re-opened. We can detect this by considering where our energy is coming from. Are we operating within our boundaries towards our intention, and thus responding appropriately to the present situation? Or are we on high alert, thrashing around in the danger zone due to a past pain response?
It’s when we project onto others that relationships can become fraught and tangled, both sides feeling unfairly treated and misunderstood, without either party fully understanding how things became so volatile.
Feeling with compassion.
Of course, this is easier said than done, and compassion for another person’s pain is just as required as for that of our own. If we can build connections where we are able to express our needs, boundaries and potential flashpoints, we are taking responsibility for our part in the tango of togetherness. We can’t control how another behaves, but what is in our control is how we choose to respond to that behaviour. As with dancing partners, both sides will get it wrong from time to time. The loving and appropriate response is to meet that with compassion and keep moving. Perhaps even finding ourselves moving closer as a result.
So, as much as I adored watching Couple’s Therapy, my heart breaks for the amount of relationships (my own included) that get lost under the amassed weight of old material. In an ideal world, we would all become better equipped to build the solid foundations that match our intentions. Rather than being left to revel in the realities of bad drama that makes for great TV!
The Spin
Our intentions can tell us a lot about what we really want and need from a relationship
Identifying and honouring our own boundaries is crucial in order to regulate appropriate responses with a person we love or care for
Remembering to pause when we feel hurt, and check what’s really underlying our emotions can help to discriminate what might be past pain being projected in the present
Adding More Weight
18 Signs You Lack Personal Boundaries
How To Improve Communication in Relationships
Essays In Love, Alain de Botton
And obviously, I recommend bingeing Season 1 & 2 of this bad boy.
Option to Go Deeper
Consider each of your significant relationships. Perhaps lovers, friends, family members. What is your intention for each of those connections?
Take some time to honestly reflect on what it is you really want and need from your different relationships, and therefore how your boundaries (or lack of) are working with or against your respective intentions.