What's Love Got to Do With It?
Why our relationship with love itself might be the one we need to work on
Do you remember your first time? (No no, we’re not going there) - I’m talking about the first time you fell in love.
I’ve just finished watching Season 3 of Sex Education, and was reminded of the raw and beautiful vulnerability of first love, and the pain when that’s taken away. (We love you, Adam 💔)
Perhaps you’ve never been in love. Never experienced that all-consuming elation of adoration. Those of you who have, however, will know exactly what I’m talking about.
It’s a high, more euphoric than any drug. You feel alive with a happiness that outranks all other emotions. Pervades all circumstance. It assumes exclusivity, as you’re sure that nobody, ever, in the history of the world has experienced anything so special. Suddenly, you’re dancing like no-one’s watching. Writing songs and weird little poems (very few people can pull that off) …but it doesn’t matter! What matters is that you’re in that moment and it’s very, very real.
It often occurs in adolescence - another thing thrown into the mix of hormones, growing pains and general metamorphosis.
If you’re lucky enough to have made it through early childhood more-or-less unscathed, this time can be particularly challenging, as you’re at the peak of vulnerability; everything high octane and in high definition. The soaring highs and confusing lows, before we learn to self-regulate and take the emotional edges off things.
It’s interesting how young love is so often dismissed as a childish crush, or a lack of life experience. Surely, those feelings expressed in innocence are, in fact, more real than the filtered, carefully handled interactions we allow ourselves in later life?
Our latter emotional numbing occurs because unfortunately, first love is often followed by first heartbreak; A pain so savage that I don’t believe we ever fully recover from it.
A broken heart feels visceral and literal. And although the shattered pieces get patched back together over time, the original can never quite be recreated. It now retains a muscle-memory of pain, evolving a new layer; an armour to protect it.
As with all things, what follows is a matter of individual experience. Some may dust themselves off quicker than others and be prepared for whatever comes next. Others may need to keep their heart well-away from the action for a while. Perhaps under lock and key.
It’s not just romantic love that can cause these ruptures. We can experience extreme heartbreak over friendships, which is less documented. The most powerful thing we experience as humans, that we all unconsciously crave, is connection. So, when we make ourselves vulnerable to another and that gets rejected, destroyed, or taken away in some way, the pain courses through us, right to our soul.
The natural response (because we love to think we can master anything) is to put measures in place to ensure we’re protected from that pain in the future.
The problem is that these resistances take us further away from what we truly desire - real connection with another.
We shut ourselves behind walls and protective glass. We put distance between us and the feelings. Alerting ourselves to danger if we ever happen to catch those feels.
I’m speaking from experience, of course. An X-ray of my heart would probably look like Edward Scissorhands’ face; my early interactions sharing his clumsiness.
But what I’ve learned throughout my psychotherapy training is that our unconscious desires remain as fierce as ever, the suppression of which manifests a deep longing, which likely presents as loneliness, dissatisfaction, anger, unhappiness, or in many cases depression.
We are not meant to shut ourselves off in order to no feel pain. Suffering is an inevitable part of the human condition. And whilst dulling the edges of our experiences might save a few tears, it also keeps us from experiencing the full extent of joy available to us.
There’s no strength to be found in hiding your heart. Quite the opposite. True bravery is having the courage to be vulnerable. The strength to trust those you love with real intimacy.
To live and love to your fullest capacity. Taking in the full spectrum of the human experience - because only by opening ourselves up to pain, can we ever experience real joy.
The Spin
Love is the greatest and bravest thing we can have.
We hold on to pain so we can be reminded what we need protection from - but it only keeps us protected from living (and loving) fully.
True strength comes from courage, not stoicism.
What humans desire more than anything is connection - your actions should take you closer to, not protect you from, achieving that.
Adding More Weight
Watch Brené Brown explain far better than I, The Power of Vulnerability
And a great (short but mighty) book is The Art of Loving, by Erich Fromm
Psychotherapist, Esther Perel’s brilliant podcast, Where Should We Begin?, where she counsels couples on the most intimate and vulnerable aspects of their relationships
This article on How to be Vulnerable in Love
Option To Go Deeper
If you knew you would never be rejected in love ever again, what might you do differently?
We all have layers. We all have a certain amount of armour to protect parts that have been hurt before. What would life be like with all that stripped away? What does real vulnerability look like to you?
The Wind Down
One of my first movie loves has to be Richard Linklater’s Before Sunrise - Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy at their best.
I adore the Modern Love series, particularly this episode with Dev Patel.
Indulge in Dolly Alderton’s Love Stories podcast series. I fell in love with every episode.
Ok look, it’s soppy as balls, but The Notebook does nail that all-consuming first love. I’m not crying, you’re crying!
Then for a healthy dose of cynicism, check out Judd Apatow’s Love series - a depressingly accurate (and brilliantly done) representation of modern relationships.