We Hate Boundaries, Don't We?
Structural reasoning for solid foundations.
We hate boundaries, don’t we? To be hemmed in by rules, limited by structure. We deem sensible boring and stability dull. We want intrigue and mystery and ‘f*ck it, why not’. We seek thrills and highs and anything labelled ‘excitement’ to help abate the fear that our life might just be, well, average.
We think of boundaries as cold, unfeeling, rigid structures, implemented and maintained by figures of authority. To set and hold a boundary is to leave fun and freedom at the door and step into the responsibility of being an adult. No thanks!
But, as it turns out, boundaries might just be the key to every freedom we could want…
When I started my training as a therapist, the teaching was front-loaded with understanding, un-learning, and repairing our individual relationships with boundaries. We would later learn the skills to establish and maintain healthier ones, but this first hurdle was a hard one to get over - especially when it seemed to go against everything I thought I knew about ‘being nice’.
In all my work as a therapist to date, I can honestly say that boundaries are the most valuable, nurturing, and loving pillars to maintain and sustain each uniquely different relationship. Contrary to popular belief, strong boundaries are not barriers but building blocks. They ensure our endeavours are structurally sound, holding us steady in the tempests of emotion. Boundaries allow us to name and identify challenges to navigate through difficult communication and complex dynamics. When used appropriately, they create trust, model honesty, and welcome both parties’ individual perspectives without shutting anything down, providing ample space for real feelings to be explored. It is the unquestionably solid framework of boundaries that demonstrate unconditional love and help us feel safe - two essential components of healthy development. Who knew?!
Perhaps we just need a different word for these guys, as boundaries have been through the mill of late, what with overused therapy-speak (yes, it exhausts me too) and how it’s become the scapegoat excuse when we just can’t be bothered to do something.
It’s a tricky one to master. As social creatures, we’re wired to be amenable. To fit in. To say yes. To compromise. Some of us are generous by nature, so giving to those we love feels like a joy and a gift. Others perhaps fear losing the other if they were to say no or go against the grain. Some might fear exclusion if they don’t adhere to common consensus. And many believe that the very act of not saying yes will upset or disappoint someone, making them responsible for another’s unhappiness or discomfort. All compelling arguments that lead us into that blurry boundary-less world of mixed messages, unclear communication, projections, assumptions, and resentments.
Sadly, despite boundaries having become a recent pop-culture hot-topic, it seems we’ve rejected all nuance and simply weaponised the term to hold up a shield to what makes us uncomfortable. In reality, personal boundaries are not defences. They are scaffolds that support bridges of connection. They assert the strength of one side in service to the other side becoming stronger. They model something solid and reliable that the other person can trust in. Therefore, setting boundaries is not the same as withholding, rejecting, or demonising. It’s in service to opening something up rather than shutting something down. They’re connectors not rejectors.
For example:
Setting a healthy boundary is: Telling someone that something they said made you feel uncomfortable.
Setting a healthy boundary is not: Telling someone that what they said makes them a piece of sh*t/narcissist/asshole/etc.
Setting a healthy boundary is: Telling your friend that you don’t want to drink at dinner.
Setting a healthy boundary is not: Being offended because your friend offered you a drink.
Setting a healthy boundary is: Telling your boss that the workload is too much.
Setting a healthy boundary is not: Reporting your workplace for unfair working conditions before communicating with management/HR.
This isn’t to say we can’t get angry. We can light ourselves up like the 4th July if we wish to. Just not in the name of boundaries.
My fear is that ‘setting boundaries’ in modern discourse is now more like throwing a grenade. It removes our enemy and clears our path with a well-placed truth-bomb. In these instances of fear and protectionism, we’re not building boundaries to connect, we’re burning bridges to destroy.
Let’s be real - people will always behave in ways we dislike. Our boundaries will be tested - they’re designed to be! They hold the line with a firm and steady ‘no’ that communicates something important to the other person, and helps us be seen authentically for who we are. Not through judgemental attack, ridicule, or public scalping, but through love, respect and healthy encouragement - like a parent would with a child. After all, most of us have at least some parts of the psyche that are still working through very young wounding. Would it be helpful to scream at a child and call them a narcissist, or might it be better to widen their understanding with other perspectives?
Think of boundaries as the Perimeter of the Self. When we ignore this perimeter, it’s hard to know where the line is - what we will and won’t tolerate. (And let’s be honest, if we don’t know, we should hardly expect anyone else to!) We therefore leave ourselves vulnerable to being taken for granted, misjudged, or misunderstood.
Once we understand that boundaries are the solid scaffolding of relationships, we can recognise how vital they are when establishing the building blocks of a new connection. The most common reason for relationships (of any kind) breaking down is that their foundations were unsustainable. The personas we present up front that we can’t maintain. The generous giver that secretly wants to be given to. The independent non-conformist who secretly wants a family. The nonchalant free-spirit who really wants a relationship. The lone wolf who’s trying to control their own loneliness. Part of understanding our own boundaries (Perimeter of the Self) is being honest and clear with ourselves in order to show up for others. Not giving a false image, not setting an unrealistic expectation, not hiding what it is we truly want.
We can so often find ourselves feeling hurt or let down by another because they didn’t truly see or understand us, without acknowledging that what we showed them was never really us in the first place. It’s easy to blame others, and harder to admit that our own foundations weren’t sound. It might be self-soothing to feel a victim, but the Big Bad Wolf can’t blow our house down unless we made it from straw to begin with.
As human beings we want to feel. We push boundaries to find the edges of life. We test boundaries to know that we’re held - to know that the walls are strong enough to support us when we throw ourselves against them. To know our own boundaries is to know where we end and others begin - what we are accountable for and what doesn’t sit in our camp of responsibility. They’re the foundations of every good, loving, giving union. And they need to be given some goddam respect! ✊
Reflection
How well do you know your own Perimeters of Self?
How honest are you about who you are within those perimeters?
Is there something you need that you never feel able to ask for from someone?
How easy is it to say ‘no’ when you don’t feel comfortable?
Do you tend to bend your beliefs/behaviours to avoid disappointing someone?
To know where we end and others begin. That really resonates. Thanks Hannah.