There’s a reason everybody loved the show Friends, and it wasn’t just Jennifer Aniston. These were six seemingly intelligent adults who’d managed to secure jobs (or at least a decent apartment) in New York City …and yet their lives were a mess. Part success, part chaos. We didn’t love them for the coffee and haircuts, we loved their dysfunction.
Culturally, we’re very good at making fun of our own misfortune. The parodying of a shitty work day with friends over wine was the after-work activity of choice for most of my twenties. There’s a sense of connection in being down on your luck together. It’s good to listen and be listened to. We can feel of service to our friends in need. We can comfort, console. We can wrap our arms around each other and say ‘I’ll Be There For You’.
What can be more difficult, although we’d hate to admit it, is seeing our friends do well when our own life isn’t going to plan. Social media unhelpfully offers this experience on a platter, consistently screening ‘The One That We Aren’t In’ on an hourly basis.
It’s not just online, of course. My best friend got married a few years ago. On the big day I was overwhelmed with emotion but taken by surprise at the sadness I felt. Was I secretly in love with my best friend? Hell no! But his achievement was holding up a mirror to the gaping holes in my life. I felt like carving a massive ‘L’ in the middle of my forehead and lying in the middle of the road. But it was his big day and I’m a grown up, so instead I downed a glass of champagne and took to the dance floor.
You see, it’s nuanced, and collectively we aren’t great at acknowledging all the feelings. We might shame ourselves, as I did, into thinking that if we aren’t entirely happy for the person we love/like/admire then we must be a bad person. But can two conflicting emotions not exist at the same time? Excitement and anxiety. Love and fear. Admiration and irritation. Don’t make me say yin and yang.
It’s not healthy to measure our own worth based on the achievements of others. Comparison only draws attention to the trappings of time, money, and circumstance, and focuses on another’s life rather than our own. When feelings of inadequacy emerge, we might withdraw, darken our mood, or feel the need to present a false impression of how well we are doing ourselves.
It’s important that we focus on our own life and experience. Comparison, envy, and jealousy are all bound to arise at times but we can work to change our response to them. We can see them as a gift - an opportunity to reflect on what we really want from life.
In my case, the sadness I felt at my friend’s wedding called attention to areas of my life where I was not feeling fulfilled. And it wasn’t anything to do with him, which could have gotten easily confused if I hadn’t fully explored what I was feeling. In acknowledging the conflicting emotions, I found the motivation and inspiration to make some much needed changes in my own situation.
There’s no one right way, order, or time-frame for doing things. Comparison just creates artificial rules based on what we consider ‘normal’. Try to enjoy where you are in life and see everything as information. Approach it with curiosity. All emotions are valid, even the seemingly-negative ones. They are there to tell you something. You might not know where you’re going next, but you can take responsibility for where you are today. It’s about taking the time to check-in with yourself and asking yourself, honestly, “How you doin?”
The Spin
It’s completely normal to feel conflicting emotions at someone else’s success. It doesn’t define character or morality.
There can be an important message in the difficult emotions we experience. What does it say about your wants and desires? Is there something you’re not addressing in your own life?
Most of the ‘success-bombing’ that you see is exaggerated or only part of the story. We never really know the struggles another is going through behind the scenes. I’m sure there were times when people might have mistaken or only part-understood what you presented on the surface?
We are constantly evolving and there are no fixed rules.
Don’t add to the pressure you feel by measuring yourself against others and imagining you ‘should’ be doing better. That’s just ‘shoulding’ all over yourself.
Adding More Weight
A great reframing on social comparison.
This interesting take on jealousy from a polyamorous therapist.
Tips for overcoming professional jealousy in Fast Company magazine.
Selena Gomez talking about how social media was not good for her mental health.
This great piece on duality of feeling in a loving relationship, with Esther Perel.
And the book referenced in this article is a great read, I highly recommend The Art of Loving, Eric Fromm
Option To Go Deeper
List all the times you can remember being jealous of another person
Don’t view this list with judgement but with curiosity. What was it that you were jealous of and what were the underlying emotions of that feeling? Write it down - Be explorative and honest with how you felt their experience reflected on you. You might be surprised by what comes out of this exercise.
The Wind Down
I loved watching The Edge of Seventeen with Hailee Steinfeld in full meltdown for most of the film. It’s hilarious and brilliant. Watch it!
I inhaled Norah Ephron’s I Feel Bad About My Neck. Funny and sharp and painfully real. She’s the queen of telling it like it is!
Dawn O’Porter’s So Lucky is a great read about comparison and how life is rarely as perfect as it looks.
And obviously, when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, what better than to let your Friends take care of you.