It was the best of weeks, it was the worst of weeks. It was the tale of two minds; the one that knows what’s good for me, and the one that won’t do it.
Having been off my game; lack of routine, lack of sleep, and the sort of diet that would never be recommended, I returned to the yoga studio that I attended pre-pandemic. They’d re-opened their doors over 6-months ago, yet I’d kept finding excuses to stay away.
I did a couple of classes and the impact on my mental health was almost immediate. I felt like I had just fallen into a massive soft bed of safety, comfort and self-love. Why hadn’t I done this sooner? I felt energised, stronger, more productive, lighter and massively uplifted. My work felt like it had more purpose. My friendships felt more joyful. It was all going so well just 3 days in ….so I wrecked it.
Now, I’m the rather self-punishing type that sees any personal back-step as a crime. So you can imagine my frustration when, rather than continue on the trajectory of positive well-being, I freaked out. I jumped right back into less-healthy behaviours to counter the good feelings I’d experienced. Although on the surface I could recognise positive development, something in me didn’t trust the ‘good’, and wanted the comfort of the ‘bad’. Like a repeat offender who, when finally given their freedom, just wants to get back in the can.
It can seem like madness. But there are many different parts to our psyche, and they don’t always agree with each other.
We may seek to make changes and set the best intentions. Great expectations of a better self. But there are layers of reasons why ‘doing the right thing’ can prove much harder than we’d hoped.
Resistance to change.
Change is scary. Even positive change. Change requires venturing into the unknown. It requires immense trust and self-belief, and a faith that everything will be ok. If you’ve grown up with hardship, suffering, rejection or failure of any kind, these qualities can be hard to come by. It takes bravery.
Our subconscious wants to keep us safe.
So, here’s the rub - our subconscious does not like bravery! There’s a large primal part of the psyche that is focussed purely on survival, and is therefore highly risk-averse. Our subconscious is trying to keep us safe, and will aggressively defend its position, meaning the more you try to change, the louder it screams. Without recognising this, we can be easily led by our primal fears and rudimentary instincts on how to stay alive. Change signals danger to our subconscious, so if we venture into the unknown, we’re less safe than if we stay where we are, even if it’s making us unhappy.
Resistance to what we might find.
More complicated still, is a possible fear of achievement. Although we might set our intention for what we want to achieve, there can be an underlying fear that we won’t know what to do with it when we get it. Maybe we’ve shackled ourselves to a limiting identity of the underdog, the struggling artist, or the sarcastic sceptic, for example. Personal development can bring about a reckoning with our own identity. It also heightens our primal fear of rejection - ‘If I change, will other people still accept me?’
Or what if what we find is actually disappointment? If we reach for what we want and it doesn’t want us - more failure, rejection, pain. Not ideal.
Fear of letting go.
It may seem strange that we would cling to negativity, to hold it so tightly. But all parts of our psyche were developed to serve us at one time or another, usually to offer a sense of safety (avoidance from pain, distraction, numbing, escapism). This means that by letting go, we have to release a part of ourselves, which is like saying goodbye to an old friend. It’s normal for parts of us to feel distress at the thought of this loss. It can feel like removing your armour when you have no idea what fight is still ahead.
Limiting self-belief.
This is not always easy to detect. Even the most seemingly confident among us can have some hidden limiting self-beliefs that are keeping us stuck in one way or another, usually rooted in a belief that we are undeserving. Maybe we don’t deserve to be happy, successful, or loved. I heard an interesting example of a guy who had his father on a pedestal of respect. The highest salary his father ever earned was £50k, therefore this guy, although hugely ambitious, would unconsciously put obstacles in the way of ever earning more than that. In the deep recesses of his subconscious, he’d feel disrespectful to his father by achieving more. It’s the same ‘undeserving’ dynamic at play when we sabotage our good habits (hi! 👋), seek unhealthy relationships (me, again!), or keep ourselves from going after what we really want.
Looking to prove the hypothesis
Tying up all of the above with a lovely dysfunctional bow is the need to prove ourselves right. We take great comfort in thinking we know what’s what (when we actually know embarrassingly little). We seek the evidence to prove our own hypothesis; negative confirmation bias. Despite best intentions, when adopting a new behaviour, we will secretly be hunting for signs that we’ll fail. To trust in not knowing is something humans find innately difficult and acutely terrifying. When our hypothesis gets validated, it might be painful, but at least we knew we were right.
For these reasons and likely more, it can be extremely difficult to stick to new behaviours and not fall back into the more comfortable self-offending ones.
Rather than write ourselves off as a lost cause, trapped in a prison of our own making, it can be helpful to separate out the different parts of our subconscious, and appreciate their respective concerns and reservations.
The struggle is not with willpower or commitment, but a challenge in pleading with the jury of our own minds. Appealing to the likely members of our psychological courtroom:
Primal Fear Guy - Utterly stressed out by any change, pre-empting the subsequent life-threatening danger.
The Inner Critic - Thinks that, not only are you incapable of achievement, but that you’re an embarrassment and everyone else knows it.
The Belligerent Theologist - Doesn’t listen to reason, takes no interest in other people’s arguments, and is purely hell-bent on proving his own hypothesis no matter what.
Your Parents - Yep. They’re in there too. Deeply set in their ways. Here to spout the same old shit that you (and they) grew up with.
The New Age Thinker - Sees new possibilities. Views your actions with kindness and compassion and has endless hope and support for your ambitions. ...Unfortunately, rarely shows up due to a deep meditation schedule.
By understanding the motivations of each, it can be easier to see the clear verdict - these jokers should not be the collective making the laws that you live by!
Therefore, to make a change, you might have to change the system. The jury in your head can be thanked for their time, and asked to leave.
So, my reckoning following my own misdemeanours was that rather than putting ourselves on trial against outdated laws that went before us, freedom is more attainable if we give ourselves the authority to override the verdict of the ‘shitty committee’, and make our own rules for the future. Whether that appeals to you, I don’t know. Only you can be the judge of that.
The Spin
Slipping back into bad habits isn’t about lack of willpower or commitment. There are conflicting parts of our psyche that are acting out in our unconscious mind, keeping us stuck.
We are hard-wired with a primal fear that associates change with danger, even if that change seems positive. There’s a part of our unconscious that fears the unknown.
It can be helpful to understand the different motivations at play in our psyche. Personify them if it helps. Giving voice to the different parts not only makes it less overwhelming, but also gives you more control in terms of what you choose to listen to.
Adding More Weight
I’m rejecting self-care at the moment and it actually feels so good.
From eating cookies to walking in graveyards - 16 artists share their self-care tips.
7 ways to practice self-compassion.
How self-punishment impacts you, and why self-love is more effective.
Option to Go Deeper
Identify 4 different characters or personalities that you think might live in your psyche.
We all have voices in our head. It’s not a sign of madness. The most sane thing is to get to know them so they aren’t just whispering to you in the dark. There might be characters in there that are wildly different to each other in personality, values and advice. Maybe write these down or sketch them out. Giving them a voice can often help you fully find yours.
The Wind Down
I’m currently reading Roxane Gay’s incredible memoir, Hunger. It’s so raw that it’s had me shaking with emotion at times.
I watched A Teacher on BBC iPlayer. I didn’t love it for multiple reasons but was compelled to see it through. If anyone’s seen it, get in touch on social as I’d love to know what you thought!
If you liked this week’s edition, please let me know by hitting the like button below!
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