I’m having a lot of the same types of conversations lately. People aren’t doing so well. It’s not who you might expect. It’s the optimists, the stoics, the keep-calm-and-crack-on’s of the world. They’re not doing so well.
The root of unease seems to be that people can’t figure out why they aren’t doing so well. Some consider it post-pandemic confusion as we try to re-piece together a jigsaw that got suddenly and spectacularly upended. Some suggest it’s fear of war, or the spiralling economy, or the mistrust of governments - the very people that are supposed to keep us safe. There is indeed a lot to be uneasy about.
My ears pricked at a recent episode of the Dare to Lead podcast in which they dubbed this time ‘The Great Awkward’. People are consistently and on-mass …just being a bit weird.
This makes sense if you look at the separate components of our circumstance. I’m constantly referring to our core primal need to feel safe because it unconsciously drives so many of our behaviours. The pandemic took a wrecking ball to our perceived safety in the weirdest of ways, and for those of us privileged enough to stay relatively safe during two years of lock-down, this was extremely confusing. Because another part of our core as humans is that we’re able to fight, endure, and ruthlessly survive when we have to. When Covid hit, our intrinsic locus of safety was shattered, yet the impact of this inner disturbance didn’t match with the knowledge that we were, in fact, safe. This was further echoed through witnessing the endless conveyor-belt of death and tragedy, whilst simultaneously being bored at home where our lives and time seemed to stand still. There was chaos around us yet nothing to fight. Our frantic amygdalas stuck watching Tiger King on Netflix. Hence why some people claim they felt least anxious when they actually contracted Covid. At least that made sense. Otherwise the guilt of comfort, the shame of inadequacy, the confrontation of selfish impatience made for an emotional cocktail we’d drink down like a 3pm quarantini.
With lockdown and the height of the pandemic (hopefully) a thing of the past, the recalibration of ‘life as we knew it’ is not a straightforward one. We all experienced sudden and unexpected emotional disruption, no matter our circumstance, that ripped through our internal circuitboards like a virus itself. Meaning, trust, motivation, intrinsic values, relationships, what the hell we’re actually doing - all challenged in a violation of our psychosomatic motherboard. The confusion now is that many of us are trying to move forward without addressing the internal rewiring required.
Here’s the rub. For societies that live in an individualist culture (which includes myself and I’d guess most people reading this), this time is going to be particularly difficult. ‘The Great Awkward’ is the collective result of people who usually have all the answers no longer knowing what the rules are. With uncertainty, contemplation of meaning, and heightened awareness of our mortality - we’re essentially all having a mid-life crisis in an economy where we can’t afford a red Ferrari and a hot young girlfriend!
We’ve been conditioned to think of vulnerability as a weakness. That successful people strive ahead no matter what. That we must be ruthless and driven and hungry in a quest for money, status and power. That careers are a personal journey and families are 2.4 rather than a village. This is not a culture that can survive global crisis, because when the sh*t hits the fan, nothing makes sense anymore. There’s nowhere to turn without redressing the balance and challenging the values we live by.
In the Dare to Lead episode, they reference the Navy Seals (which I’ll admit as a child I thought were just very dark blue seals). Reportedly, the ones that make the cut are not the hench buffalos of men that look like they casually lift a car when looking for their keys. They’re not the athletes of peak fitness who are most at home in the rain and mud of physical exertion. The ones that go through are perhaps scrawnier, weedier, and more fearful than we might expect. But when times get difficult, they’re the ones not motivated by individual recognition but in helping the person next to them.
The consistent theme in the conversations I’ve been having is one of loneliness. We’re lonely because we’re trying to figure stuff out on our own. We’re fixated on our own path, our own experience, and our own plan of action. That’s how we’ve been trained - stoic and self-sufficient. I wrote about my own experience of this, and the more research I do, the more I see that connection is at the core of everything. It bonds, it nurtures, it heals. Just like the dark blue Seals, it’s the ones who insist on going it alone who will be left behind when stuff gets really hard. Stoic and stuck.
In these weird and (not-so) wonderful times, we need to redress our social perception of vulnerability and normalise the fact that we need each other. Now more than ever. Without hierarchy of who we think is emotionally stronger - the fixers trying to rescue in order to avoid their own vulnerability - which is also (albeit unconsciously) intrinsically motivated. Being real with each other is a gift - reciprocation of authenticity. We hide so much behind a protective shield so it’s lack of trust that keeps us individualists.
Our struggles, joys, and fears all sit within a wider collective - and what we consider private is more shared than we think. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to find meaning as an adult.
The Spin
There is a lot of unrest in the social ether, and an irony that loneliness is currently a shared pain.
Most of us live in a culture that prioritises individualism over collectivism, so we buckle down when times get hard to figure things out ourselves.
Humans are not meant to be individualists. We are not designed to be isolated, either physically or emotionally.
Connection has tremendous and infinite power in how we grow - both individually and as a collective society. Being in service to one another and feeling part of a community, however big or small, is an important part of being human.
***NEW UPDATE!***
Along the theme of connection, I’m introducing a new section here for you to share (anonymously if that’s safer) what’s been happening for you this week. It’s a place to pool recommendations for films/tv/books/music/articles which I’ll then circulate so we can all feed into each other. If there’s a lot of similarity, you might wish to join a separate thread where we can geek out on the thing we love.
What have you been loving that you'd recommend? 🙌
This is also a space to check in with you. This is completely anonymous and I will never publish anything you share. It’s simply a chance to be honest about how you’re feeling right now without fear of judgement or exposure (even I won’t know who you are unless you tell me!)
So, honestly… how's right now treating you?
Adding More Weight
Small Ways to Feel More Integrated
Individualism vs. Collectivism
‘I Am Lonely’ - controversial insight into Anthony Bourdain’s final days
How Andrew Tate built an army of lonely, angry men
Depression and loneliness ages us faster than smoking
Has the pandemic changed our personalities?
Option to Go Deeper
What’s your relationship with vulnerability?
Does the word make you cringe? Is it something you actively practice, or recoil from like bad milk? Consider your relationships with the people you care about…
To what extent do people see the real you?
What is required from people in order to earn your trust?
Has vulnerability led to pain in past experiences?
How do you perceive vulnerability in others?