The Balance of (Your) Power
What truly makes us resilient?
“…I’m not a broken little bird though, in case that’s what you’re thinking!”. It was my first meeting with this client, and she’d just given me an overview of her life experience to date. Knock after knock after knock, from early childhood to her late forties, she’d barely had a moments respite from repeated pain and rejection. In that moment, her resulting hyper-vigilance searched for my judgement.
Broken? Interesting. The thought never crossed my mind then or since. Here was a woman allowing herself to cry with relief in a space she could finally process some of her experience. I only saw strength and reclaimed power.
It’s a common misconception with new clients that tears might indicate weakness or fragility. In fact, the opposite is true. Tears indicate a healthy and regulated response to emotion, as well as providing the client with the physical stress-relief required to think more clearly. It demonstrates to me the qualities required to be truly resilient.
We’ve been conditioned by traumatised generations before us to think that resilience is about being stoic; suppressing our feelings and bypassing the pain. However, this short-term protective measure only weakens us long-term. When we shut down parts of ourselves, refusing to feel the discomfort or pain, this is not mastery of emotion but a fear response. We’re freezing the parts of ourselves that we fear dealing with, which we’ll then aggressively defend out of perceived self-protection.
To give an example, someone who had their heartbroken might freeze out their ability to love, thus protecting their most vulnerable ‘weakness’ by becoming cold and hardened. This exterior will then be most heightened around those who threaten this part. In other words, around those they fear they might be able to love ..those who might make them feel something. If the hidden part is not re-integrated (acknowledged) they will likely end up with someone safe (who they possibly may never really love) who they have an amicable and transactional relationship with (e.g. she’s a kind person and in return I remain faithful. Or, he’s a good father so in return I work hard to provide for the family).
Many fall into these arrangements and may feel content for a number of years, but when the true Self is not fully actualised there will usually be a stirring of dissatisfaction or restlessness. Frustration may arise as we can’t reconcile what’s missing in our life. We might become unfaithful, change career or decide to move house in pursuit of what we feel is missing. We rarely identify that what’s actually missing is a part of ourselves that we’ve neglected (all the while thinking this made us more adept at coping with life).
So, you see, resilience is not about shutting things down. It’s not the hardening we associate with ‘grit’, but a balance of qualities derived from different parts of our whole Self.
In very simplified terms, the Self can be divided into four quadrants; Will, Energy, Emotion and Mind, which all share equal importance in a healthy fully-actualised Self.
Will is our power, discipline and resolve.
Energy is our passion, drive and initiative.
Emotion is our flexibility, creativity and communication.
Mind is our influence, ideas and vision.
When it comes to coping with whatever life throws at us, each must be active, without one quadrant dominating the others.
WILL:
Self-confidence - your reputation with yourself. This allows you to feel comfortable making decisions without seeking validation or reassurance from others. You approach situations anticipating success because you back yourself.
Solid self-esteem in how you feel about yourself. This determines how you interpret events and experiences. It is the difference between “I did something bad” versus “I am bad”. Strong self-esteem allows you to receive praise and compliments and prevents hurtful statements from defining how you see yourself. It also creates healthy space to be receptive to constructive criticism because your self regard is strong.
Strong boundaries. Boundaries are one of the most important and often confused or under-utilised resource. This is not about being guarded or putting up walls, but is an extension of positive self-regard in understanding and communicating what you can and cannot give. We often think that being a good person, good friend, or son/daughter means taking on other people’s problems or running to their rescue. In fact, it’s when you’re most aligned in yourself that you can offer the most support. You’re more able to show up consistently without giving too much of yourself resulting in energy drain or resentment.
Constantly learn from experience. Maintaining a healthy space to reflect on experiences without them challenging your sense of self. Asking "What is the lesson here? What early clues did I ignore? The next time that happens I will...."
ENERGY:
Playful, childlike curiosity. Playfulness and humour are a key part of dealing with life experience. Maintaining a connection with your authentic child state - asking lots of questions to know how things work. Playing and enjoying yourself (as a healthy child would) and feeling able to have a good time almost anywhere. This curiosity and lightness allows you to wonder about experiences, allowing yourself to experiment, make mistakes, get hurt, and laugh about it. Asking: "What changed here? What happened there? What can I learn? What’s funny about this?"
Positive outlook and optimism. Maintaining an overriding optimism guided by internal values. Having a high tolerance for ambiguity and uncertainty without feeling threatened by the lack of control or victimised by life events. Asking "How can I interact with this so that things turn out well for all of us?"
Ability to take calculated risks. Being open to opportunities, able to jump into the unknown and embrace possibility without being held back by negative self-talk.
Ability to express feelings. Being comfortable to authentically express how you feel, even if the feelings aren’t 100% positive. You don’t hide yourself, you see confrontation as a positive catalyst for change when engaged with in a healthy, appropriate and fair manner. You can show different sides of yourself without fearing judgement.
EMOTION:
Read others with empathy. Seeing the perspectives of others, even if you disagree with them. Looking for the win/win in conflicts. Asking: "What do others think and feel? What is it like to be them? How do they experience me? What is legitimate about what they feel, say, and do?"
Mental and emotional flexibility. Being comfortable around different or contradictory personality types. Being flexible in how you relate and communicate by engaging different qualities most appropriate to the situation. Having a good read on people.
Appreciation of chance and serendipity. An acceptance and appreciation of life’s uncertainty and erratic circumstance is the antithesis of having a victim mindset. Converting an unfortunate situation into something emotionally nutritious is what removes its toxicity. The ability to learn good lessons from bad experiences, converting misfortune into good luck, and gaining strength from adversity.
Good friendships and loving relationships. Research shows that people are more stress resistant and less prone to illness when they have a loving family and good friendships. The so-called ‘Lone Wolf’ is more vulnerable to holding stress in the body and suffering long-term toxicity. Positive and authentic connections with others drastically reduce the impact of difficulties and increases feelings of self-worth and self-confidence.
MIND:
Trust and follow intuition. Tuning into intuition as a valid compass. Asking: "What is my body telling me? Why don't I believe what I'm being told? What am I being drawn towards and is it a positive or negative feeling?"
Observe with perspective. Allowing enough healthy distance to get a clear view of experiences. Understanding what to tolerate and what to defend without reacting from a trigger response.
Adapt quickly. Being able to see the bigger picture. Viewing or embracing worst-case scenario with positive regard. Asking: "If the worst happens, what is my course of action and how will I feel?"
Insight and clarity. A true marker of resilience is not a deadened resolve or impenetrable exterior, but a peace of mind from what the experience taught you, and a confidence gained in having come out the other side. Reflecting: “Why, in whatever small way, is it good that this happened? What did I learn here?"
*****************
It’s no big reveal that life is hard, unfair and unjust sometimes. What is widely misunderstood however is that much of our enduring strength comes from being open rather than closed, receptive to acceptance and connection rather than closed to vulnerability and curiosity. When we bury our feelings, we harden and fossilise ourselves, becoming frozen in time and unable to change. It’s by remaining open to new experiences despite past pain that allows us to live in the present …and evolve for the future.
How Resilient Are You? 🧠
Take the Resiliency Quiz to find out..
It’s All In The Breakdown
Resilience is about acknowledging the reality of a situation by honouring the emotion it stirs in us.
When we numb ourselves to certain emotions, this doesn’t help us long-term as this frozen part will become distorted in the unconscious. It becomes a part we fear ever dealing with so it has a power over us.
True resilience requires a balance of qualities derived from emotion, energy, will and clarity of mind.
We can learn and grow from every experience as long as we allow ourselves to see it (and ourselves within it) clearly.
It’s Not What You Think
Interested in exploring personal therapy? Book a Free Consultation Call.
Support It’s Not What You Think with a paid subscription.