Sorry, I Don't Speak 'You'. Can You Please Speak 'Me'?
Do we require fluency to understand each other?
Having spent most of the summer in Spain, I was quick to reboot my Spanish in the hopes that the faint memory of my GCSE’s and a daily 5 minutes of Duolingo would have me chatting like a native in no time.
Learning a new language is tough, notoriously more-so the older we get. The more our brain becomes accustomed to a certain way of thinking, the slower it is to accept new patterns and structures. What’s interesting about language is that it’s designed as a system, or set of systems, which can communicate multitudes inclusive of nuance, subtlety and complexity. Yet we only need take one small step outside of that system and the very same words communicate nothing at all!
Whilst I commit to maintaining my Duolingo streak (if only to stave off the owl’s passive aggressive taunts), I find myself wishing there were a Duolingo for relationships. I’m lucky enough to have a partner who prioritises good communication, but where we often find ourselves stuck is the mutual bafflement of assuming the other speaks our exact language.
Unlike learning the vocabulary and grammar of another country, the stakes feel much higher when we misunderstand those we feel connected to. The sheer incredulousness at what sometimes falls from the mouths of our loves can threaten the sense of togetherness in a relationship, when actually it’s where much of the beauty and opportunities can be found.
The magic of any relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, are the ways in which we can benefit each other through our difference. If we all felt, thought, knew the same things we would never evolve and grow. We would never impact each other in the ways that ultimately help us transform within healthy relationships to become more whole.
We can place too much emphasis on the negative experience of feeling misunderstood, rather than embracing the positive process of learning to understand. In my couples therapy work, clients often start from a place of seeking corroboration in ‘being right’. Most often, the truth is that everybody’s right, and everybody’s wrong, depending what system you’re using. We don’t have to align of course. We don’t even have to understand. But the choice we must make in relationships is deciding whether to love another person that’s outside of ourselves. If we choose to be with another, it’s wildly unfair that we then dictate how they think, feel and act. If our goal in relationships is to hold someone captive and train them to be more like us, well, there’s a lot more to be unpacked there, but I strongly recommend setting the captive free and booking in with a therapist.
Perhaps we’ve misunderstood the two-become-one idea of love. The integration of another does not mean that you both become one soul, but two beautiful counterparts, like the yin and yang, a continual balance of different energies that will complement their opposite. In fact, it’s often our instinctual knowing that attracts us to qualities we don’t possess in the first place, only to panic us when we experience the challenge of difference further down the line.
I have to remind myself of this when trying to prove a point or navigating the fleeting yet incandescent rage of (what sounds to me) a ridiculous comment in the moment. It’s these times when I would benefit from 5 minutes with the owl to have fun in learning a language which will never be my native tongue. What I wouldn’t give to have little Duo jump for joy as I successfully recognise the logical comments of ‘man’. Just like learning anything foreign, the rewards are numerous. Our brains may struggle at first, but the process of learning will help us become smarter, more rounded and mentally healthy as a result. If we extricate ourselves from right vs. wrong, then another person’s language doesn’t threaten our own, we simply broaden our ability to communicate.
I might never fully understand my partner, but if I can put aside 5 minutes a day to learn Spanish for the sake of an owl, I can definitely put in the time to learn ‘him’ for the sake of building a beautiful relationship.
The Theory…
We place unfair pressure on relationships when we expect two people to align on everything, and more-so to communicate in the same ways when they’re operating entirely different brain systems.
We might react sensitively to the way a person expresses something if we feel that it threatens how they feel about us.
It’s important to step back and look at what is being unconsciously communicated to us and bring it into awareness so we can respond to what’s actually being said vs. a private interpretation.
There’s joy to be found in exploring our different styles of communication and learning more about ourselves, the other, and the relationship in the process.
What’s Your Feeling?
Notice:
What’s your instinctual response to this week’s theme? Did it stir strong or passive feelings?
What parts (if any) did you reject, relate to, feel confused by, feel inspired by, feel utterly and completely irritated by (all responses teach us something if we’re curious about them).
What is at the root of what you feel? Is it linked to a belief or value? Does it remind you of something? Does it challenge or reinforce something that’s important to you?
If you feel like sharing, I’m all ears.
How Might You Work With This?
Start to notice as you communicate with someone you care about. Are there times you feel triggered or deeply affected by what or how they communicate? What do you feel might be being threatened in this exchange? How might this same exchange feel if that threat didn’t exist?
Follow Your Curiosity
I liked this article on why the ‘science’ of Love Languages is pretty flawed.
Esther Perel on How to Have Difficult Conversations with your Partner
I’m beyond thrilled I can catch Season 4 of Couples Therapy on BBC now I’m back in the UK!
If you have any of your own suggested resources I’d love you to share!
Putting It All Together
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