Seriously, Have Whatever You Want...
Just figure out what it really is first.
“But no one can have it all, right?”, my client asked, his sad eyes already tired of life at the age of 30.
“You can, actually.”
He looked confused, then dismissive, like I’d just referenced flat-earth theory.
I’d bet that if I surveyed thousands of people across the world, the majority would agree with my client, that you can’t have it all. Some might rightly say that life doesn’t afford us all the same opportunities. Others may believe that everything we want comes at the sacrifice of something else. Or that life is too short to revisit all those roads less travelled. Many might perceive it to be a capitalist ideology that promotes greed and individualism - why exactly should we have it all?
I think the confusion here lies in our distorted relationship with the ‘have’, the ‘it’ and the ‘all’ of the statement!
…To Have and to Hold
We associate ‘have’ with possession, obtainment, mastery and ownership. We use comparison in a way that benchmarks value and quantity against others, so what they have detracts from or devalues what we have. This breeds a scarcity mindset that fuels competition and whispers to the ego that if we are really good enough we should be chasing for more. When we see others achieve success or find love, we might feel resentful or frustrated, or even rejected by life.
A different look at the word ‘have’ in this context is more receptive than active. Rather than a possession that could be lost, have can be a state of being. An oscillation of ebb and flow, that comes in and out regularly without the panic of a need to hold on. Like peace of mind. Joy. Good fortune. Excitement. Passion. These states will not be constant, nor will they flow freely if we try to control them or measure them.
In order to get what we really want in life, we need to chill out, calm down, and unclench.
…Get Your It Together
The ‘It’ is something I address with every client. It’s a tale as old as time - the X that chased Y …blah blah.. some stuff happens in the middle ..cut to a man crying in a Ferrari. We all know that story …but many of us are living that story in at least some small way.
To ‘have it all’ shouldn’t assign certain attainments and mileposts to the ‘it’, but should be about overall fulfilment. For example, if you are someone who wants a promotion, ask yourself why. It may be an important financial gain, but even so, it’s worth investigating..
Why do I want this promotion?
To earn more money
Why?
So I can provide for my family and myself more comfortably.
Why?
Because I feel stressed by the pressure to keep everyone in my life happy and safe.
Why?
Because I’m worried I might not always be able to do this.
Why?
Because I fear I can’t control what happens in the world and worry that everything might get taken away.
….this exploration could (and would be encouraged to) go on and on. The objective is to determine what the roots are of the ‘it’ you’re interested in.
Rather than seeing ‘having kids’ as the it, you should explore to find the ‘it’ that kids would deliver - feeling loved? feeling that you can freely give love? feeling useful? being able to nurture and watch something grow? seeing a part of yourself incarnated?
…All for One
The missing step on the stairs many of us fall through is knowing what will actually bring us true fulfilment. It’s the absence of this that drives the panicked grasp at things we’re told to (or sold to) believe are important. Objects, achievements, and milestones have a static quality which fixes their place on a timeline. Buying a car, completing a marathon, getting a promotion, publishing a novel, having a child, having another biscuit…
States of being, however, are not fixed but fluid. They can be in limitless abundance if we know where to look for them (and, crucially, respect rather than try to control them). Being creative, giving and receiving love, feeling a sense of purpose in what you do, feeling connected to your work, feeling connected to others, being inspired, feeling you’re moving forward, feeling masterful at something, being playful, being free to express and explore…
Not only are states of being not static, but you can review them with neutrality rather than fear.
My 30 year old client was feeling burnt out from chasing relentless life targets he’d set himself and, having achieved them all, was now running out of road. He was miserable and desperate to find the next ‘thing’ he could run towards. Not once had he asked himself what it was he really needed from all this.
In our work together he found that he definitely needed constant stimulation but that this had distorted into a fear of not progressing in life, so any rest time felt like failure. He’d never had validation (positive mirroring) as a child so didn’t recognise healthy validation in adult relationships, instead seeking out co-dependent dynamics where he could feel he added value. In both work and personal life, he’d focused on what he could DO in the eyes of others rather than who he wanted to BE, and how he wanted to feel.
He’s now 31, in the same job but with a completely different mindset. He’s more relaxed in his approach to work but making more money than before, since it’s no longer his top priority and he doesn’t attach fear and control and self-worth to his job. He’s no longer in the same relationship because he realised it wasn’t really who or what he needed. And he broke an unhealthy cycle of behaviour with food that was helping him cope with stress.
He also no longer thinks I’m a flat-earther, and actually believes that he can, and possibly does, have it all.
Reflection
What would ‘Having It All’ look like for you?
How might you better understand static targets as the state of being you hope it brings you?
