Self-Talk Like A Boss

On being a good manager (of yourself)

There are myriad benefits I’ve found to working for myself. The flexibility, autonomy and creative freedom to name a few. Essentially, I’m my own boss. But recently I’ve come to the unfortunate realisation …that my boss is a nightmare.

Imagine, if you will, working for this woman: She has extremely high standards that can never be met as she’s constantly moving the goalposts. She’s neither gracious nor appreciative of the work I do, instead focussing on my time management, logging all breaks and distractions in my personnel file. No matter the hours I put in, she’ll tell me I could have done more. She’ll highlight the work of others (oh, she’s happy to celebrate other people) and demand to know why I’m not as good as them. She rarely lets me take holiday, and when she does …she comes with me!!! Guilt-tripping me day and night when I’m trying to enjoy a margarita or get a look at the Trevi fountain. I’ll routinely find my bags overweight at the airport because she’s packed my laptop and several non-fiction books.

I moved house this summer, and it made me realise what a toll being self-employed can have on my mental health if I don’t keep it in check. With my routine out of whack, accommodating endless fittings, appointments and general admin (my greatest fear), I’d feel each work day slip away from me. Sometimes I’d work late into the night to make up the time, but most often I’d retreat to bed defeated. And as my workload slid into the next day, my mindset slid further into self-loathing.

It appears I have an unhealthy relationship with accomplishment coupled with an addiction to self-criticism (nice one, you moron!). But that’s what happens when you have a boss that never recognises the good, and only focuses on the bad. If this were an actual workplace dynamic, she’d be considered a dragon, and HR would likely intervene with management training to save her position (we prefer you don’t use the term ‘useless arsehole’ - what do you think might be more constructive?).

I’ve worked with companies where a toxic work culture holds them back, and have coached managers to understand how their attitude directly impacts morale, and ultimately productivity. Yet I never identified these traits in my own self-management. In previous roles where I’ve managed others, I would never dream of being disparaging, unappreciative, unsupportive or unrealistically demanding. Yet here I am, a nightmare unto myself, in a hell of my own volition.

It’s a powerful discovery for my inner critic. All this time I’ve been focussing on my output, when what needs most attention is my (self)management style.

For anyone similarly self-employed, or even just self-motivated, there are some important tenets of being a good boss that should still apply when you’re wearing both hats:

Show appreciation for the work being done

In the private echo chamber of our own minds, it can be easy to overlook achievements rather than value what’s being done. Sure, it’s motivating to be constantly looking ahead to what’s next, but this can have a detrimental impact long-term if we’re not acknowledging achievements along the way.

Show respect when communicating

Very simply, do we talk to ourselves the way we speak to others? Are we considerate and respectful in the language we choose when we speak to ourselves?

Be a good listener

It can be easy when managing ourselves to become dogmatic and tyrannical OR avoidant and irresponsible (some people oscillate between the two). Checking in with ourselves requires listening to anxieties, fears, and any issues that might be getting in the way of our motivation, energy, or approach to the task at hand.

Be accountable

Recognising when we’re setting unrealistic goals or being too demanding. Recalibrating our approach if we sense burnout on the horizon. Accepting that we might need to hone our management skills - maybe becoming more patient, generous, or compassionate.

Encourage work-life balance

Factoring in respite wherever possible to maintain a good quality of life will always be of benefit to mental health and likely increase productivity.

Be generous

Showing generosity in time, attitude, assumption, and compassion. Allowing room for mistakes. Giving credit where it’s due. Giving time off (without it having to be earned through blood, sweat and tears!).

Be realistic

Understanding the realistic parameters for what can be achieved so we aren’t setting ourselves up for failure. Managing what we want by looking at the practical steps of how to get there, rather than venting frustration that we aren’t getting there fast enough.

Foster an environment that supports good mental health

Incorporating all the above (and more) to foster an environment that allows freedom for creativity without judgement, flexibility without micro-management, and error without punishment. Checking in constantly with ourselves to see if we’re using our energy in the right way. Whether we’re in the right headspace. If we need a break, or need to switch tasks. Are we using our skills and time in the best way? (Be curious not critical).

In theory that all sounds great. Putting it into practice is an ongoing work-in-progress. But as of now, my inner manager has been given an official warning. And my inner employee is about to take the weekend off.

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The Spin

When considering how we talk to ourselves, it’s important to keep the following in mind in our mental chatter:

• Appreciate the good - our qualities, strengths, and whatever’s been achieved, whether great or small

• Be respectful and considerate in the language we use to ourselves

• Listen properly and intently to what might be happening with us in that moment

• Recognise and take responsibility for when we might be being too hard on ourselves

• Make time for things that will give a healthy work-life balance

• Be generous and compassionate to allow space for creative freedom without criticism

• Be realistic in goal setting

Ultimately, are we really fostering an environment for ourselves that supports good mental health?

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Adding More Weight

Working Well When You’re Self-Employed

5 Ways to Develop Self Compassion

Kristin Neff’s 3 Elements of Self-Compassion

Toxic Effects of Negative Self-Talk

Podcast: Ctrl Alt Delete - How to Deal With A Toxic Workplace

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Option to Go Deeper

Time for a management review?

Whether you’re self-employed or not, you’re still the boss of you. Consider each of the points outlined above as a personal review. Are there any areas you feel you could improve to benefit your own wellbeing and mental health?