I’ve never been interested in my family tree. I understand why people are. It can be totally fascinating. I’ve just, for whatever reason, never wanted to know.
I’ve had friends who have done the ancestry tests to discover nuggets of 4% Swedish, 2% Bolivian, 1% goat or whatever. People love to find traces of royalty or nobility. I’m not sure why. Maybe it genetically qualifies you for a better bank loan or something.
Given my disinterest, I was extremely reluctant when, as part of my Psychotherapy training, we were asked to make a genogram. A family tree with feelings. Dear God!
We were tasked to track our family back as far as possible, denoting the ‘issues’ and types of relationships between individuals.
What I’d dismissed as a history of people I just happened to be related to, was actually revealing information that made sense of the struggles, traumas and addictions that subsequently occurred.
I was aware of epigenetics, but not how far it goes back. I had assumed parents to child, not factoring in the whole cast of other characters that may have shaped who I am today.
There was a fascinating study of mice published in 2013 by Brian Dias and Kerry Ressler of Emory University School of Medicine, which found evidence that fear, trauma and stress can be passed down through multiple generations.
The experiment (animal lovers look away now) would expose mice to acetophenone smelling of cherry blossom. Upon smelling the scent, the mice would receive an electric shock to the feet (I do not approve this message).
The mice quickly learned the association and upon smelling the cherry blossom would start to quake with fear. Tracking the mouse pups of these traumatised mice, the mousey infants, having never received shock treatment, would also quake at the cherry smell. Even more interestingly, the next generation, twice removed from the experience, also feared the scent. It wasn’t until the third generation that fear was less evident.
This is where the genogram is useful. It maps experiences of trauma, whether environmental (war, holocaust, famine) or personal (abuse, miscarriage, addiction). It highlights areas of conflict or attachment: did you have a difficult relationship with either parent? Were you particularly enmeshed with a parent? Then, what were your parents’ relationship with their parents? And so on.
Seeing it on the page is quite extraordinary. Right there in colourful glory are the unavoidable patterns that reveal so much about the character traits and presenting issues of family members.
You can see where patterns repeat, or skip a generation (e.g. a child of avoidant/absent parents might become smothering of their own, only for their children to reverse the pattern again). You can usually spot a general vibe - alcoholism, suicide, eating disorders, divorce, abuse. Seemingly individual cases soon reveal themselves to be part of a legacy.
Psychologist Carl Jung believed that these familial patterns sit in the unconscious, destined to be repeated until brought into awareness, in order for us to break free.
“Whatever does not emerge as Consciousness…returns as Destiny” - Carl Jung
But what does ‘breaking free’ actually look like?
Running naked down the street with a bottle of wine in your hand? Good guess, but no.
Jung called it Individuation. Ultimately, it’s about acceptance and forgiveness. Acceptance for the things we cannot change, with true forgiveness and compassion for those who went before us.
Individuation is disentangling yourself from the anger and pain, or perhaps the enmeshment within your family. Stepping back to accept, rather than detach or dissociate.
With acceptance comes choice - you decide whether to follow what went before or forge a new path.
With forgiveness comes freedom - processing your own anger and suffering in order to let go of it.
Families are complicated and relationships are messy. I hadn’t wanted to investigate mine (guess what, there’s a lot of avoidance that runs through my family) but becoming conscious of the relevant patterns can be an important step in not repeating the past.
Looking back with compassion, but understanding that where you came from doesn’t have to determine where you’re going.
The Spin
You are uniquely individual. However, you are also a product of genes and experiences that preceded you. Any fears, tastes or predilections that you can’t explain may possibly have been passed down.
Suffering is an inevitable part of the human experience. It can be helpful to acknowledge the suffering of those who may have hurt you in order to understand and forgive behaviours.
Compassion and forgiveness is key. Not only for others but for yourself. Early development is beyond your control, as is your genetic inheritance.
Adding More Weight
One of my favourite books of all time is Nadja Spiegelman’s I’m Supposed To Protect You From All This - it’s so beautifully and generously written in a way that will simultaneously warm and break your heart.
How Gen Z Are Breaking Toxic Cycles of Trauma in Their Families
The Body Keeps The Score is a brilliant book about emotions unconsciously held in the body
Option To Go Deeper
What would be your family motto?
Think about your family dynamic. What phrase or slogan would best represent you as a collective? Does it feel positive or negative? Is it something you would want to continue or change?
The Wind Down
Indulge in some old school family nostalgia with Six Feet Under
And if you haven’t yet discovered the BRILLIANT Succession (I honestly think it’s the best thing I’ve watched in years) then you are in for a treat!