Look More, Judge Less, Enjoy Your Ice-Cream
The free resources we could easily share ..but sometimes don't.
Sometimes I can’t help but feel incredibly young (or you might say naïve) in my outlook. When it comes to social issues, I so quickly regress to that bewildered child who believed that what she saw around her could definitely be more straightforward and ultimately nicer for all involved. I grew up watching the news and listening to my parents discuss the Sunday morning broadsheets. As I wandered around at table height trying to calculate the exact number of questions I could ask before being told to leave the room, I often found myself wondering why adults made everything so miserable for themselves.
Children are idealists, of course. But they tend to see things for what they are. And their relationship with greed doesn’t often extend much past how much ice-cream they can get in their bowl. They know less but feel more, and maybe that’s not such a bad way to be…
I’ve had the privilege this year of working with an extraordinary woman who’s taught me about just some of her experience within the council’s housing system. I was completely ignorant to the multitude of tragedies that occur daily, and left blown away by how much we don’t know about our own district’s social structure unless we experience it (or hear it from someone) first-hand.
Now, my 6 year-old self would not assume she could solve the London housing crisis (although I’m sure she’d give it a good go!). However, it left me with a deep sense of abandoned responsibility that I believe sits with all of us.
In many current societies, social issues are outsourced to governmental bodies to be managed and maintained. We have councils and services, and (if we’re lucky) healthcare systems. Then we have charities who deal with the fall-out of these overwhelmed systems. On the one hand, it’s incredible that we have systems of support. But on the other, it allows us to look the other way as we defer social responsibility to someone whose ‘job’ it is to deal with it.
When discussing this, people get pretty riled up. Perhaps the unconscious correlation that what’s given to others is taken from ourselves. Fear would rather we justify that ‘each must look after their own’ and if people are in need, well, at worst they brought it on themselves and at best they’re just damn unlucky.
The assumption that giving to others means taking from the self reinforces the idea that resources are scarce so we must hoard what we have to protect our immediate family. We therefore propagate fear of loss and the idea that threat is all around us. There’s much truth to the theory that seeing those in need reminds us that life can be cruel, so we seek to control our fortune and distance ourselves from those less fortunate. But what if we could give without anyone taking ice cream out of our bowl?
When it comes to sharing resources, unless we’re in our fur pants bartering silver spoons for psychedelics at Burning Man (a ticket only afforded to those with wads of paper opportunity at home) we tend to think in financial terms. Do we give money to charity? Is more funding required for social change? If we expand on, rather than erase the need for financial resource, we actually have a lot to offer each other with free abundance.
Using homelessness as just one example. Most who experience homelessness feel they’re on the outside of a system or society that has rejected them. We debate whether or not money should be given. Is that person actually homeless? Will they ‘waste’ the money on a fix which gives them temporary escape? If we remove judgement, a more natural question becomes ‘does that person need to be acknowledged?’.
If we separate ourselves from those whose experience is not our own, we might avoid eye contact. We might compartmentalise seeing someone in need - doing the mental moral maths until the computer says: not my problem. Ok, they might need money, but we can see their world is a harsh one, so they also need to be shown some kindness. They might also need to feel seen, or listened to. They definitely need to be treated like a human being.
This works on many levels in micro-moments. Does your mother-in-law need to feel validated? Does your brother need to feel he’s interesting? We can give to those in need frequently and without taxation. Maybe the guy you just passed in the street needs to feel good about his choice of hat.
So many of us feel lonely in one way or another. Most people aren’t just suffering one major issue but a slow death of a thousand paper-cuts. For some, these cuts are fresh pain into already gaping wounds.
Each little moment, each interaction (or lack of interaction) contributes to all of us feeling more or less connected, and more or less alone. My bewildered inner-child would suggest that with so many damn people [don’t say damn!] on the planet now, surely we could all be helping each other out? By contributing a small moment of friendly eye contact, a kind word, perhaps even 5 minutes of our time, we are doing a community service that costs us nothing, teaches us to look further, and might just make us slightly, slightly, less miserable.
So Here’s the Theory…
The reason we look away from those with different experiences to ours is usually rooted in fear. It’s helpful to acknowledge what it is we are really turning away from.
Our reactions to others make a difference. Ignoring someone still makes an impact and can contribute yet another negative imprint on an already negative day.
Acknowledging someone and connecting with them as a fellow human being costs us nothing, but may be giving more than you think.
We are all connected by the human experience so we owe it to ourselves to take care of each other - especially when the systems we outsource responsibility to are underfunded, overwhelmed, and therefore unable to do a sufficient job.
What’s Your Feeling?
Notice your instinctual response to what is shared. You might have a strong or passive response to what I wrote. You might reject it, relate to it, feel confused by it, feel inspired by it, feel utterly and completely irritated by it … it’s all valid, but try to examine why.
What is at the root of what you feel? Is it linked to a belief or value? Does it remind you of something? Does it challenge or reinforce something that’s important to you?
How Might You Work With This?
Start to notice as you walk around - what is your reaction if someone makes eye contact with you? How comfortable is this for you? Do interactions with strangers make you feel a positive or hostile energy? Is this experienced mostly in the body or in the head?
Test yourself, if you feel safe to do so, to acknowledge others as you walk around. If someone attempts to connect with you, receive that positively, even if you keep walking. Notice what it feels like when you become more generous with your attention.
If you have the time or inclination, maybe talk to someone who needs to be seen.
Follow Your Curiosity
Here is just some suggested reading on the same theme.
This audiobook by Katriona O’Sullivan is the best book I read this year.
Ok, as well as THIS book by Elif Shafak
This interview (from my favourite podcast ;) with Dr. Sabrina Cohen-Hatton
If you have any of your own suggested resources I’d love you to share!
Putting It All Together
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