Sad Girl Summer
Why my summer didn't quite go to plan...
I’ve been MIA the past few weeks, putting the inaction into ‘Missing in Action’. It’s been a weird summer - one I feel has been head-spinningly hectic and yet simultaneously like I just watched it go by. Like a sad dog, staring out the window at an ice-cream van it would usually be chasing.
A lot of my time was consumed with moving house, and all its accompanying admin. July and August mostly involved me scurrying through boxes like a ferret, trying to locate important items like a charger, my passport, and my brain. I also had an essay to write. A big old thing about existentialism and the meaning of life. There’s nothing quite like a deep-dive on ‘what’s it all for’ to really take the wind out of your summer sails. It seemed to unleash a lot of demons I thought had been slain. I felt lost and confused and under siege within my own mind. With the deadline looming and a ton of work alongside it, I was isolated by time pressure - not seeing friends or really doing anything except writing. Extolling the importance of purpose and meaning, whilst gripped by the fear that I have neither. It’s been a ride!
I had big plans this summer. I’d fantasised about roof parties and barbecues and trips away. Tequila and sunshine. Instead I found myself trapped in the four walls of my new home, alone with the spectre of death and all its accompanying literature. Ghosting around my flat with writer’s block and reader’s angst.
You may wonder why I’m putting myself through this psychotherapy course, like my friends and family who stare at me in utter bafflement as I tell them what I do. My daily adventures into Pandora’s Box (not the porno), exorcising deep dark material that’s been buried for years - (“couldn’t you just take up tennis, darling?”).
However, my recent funk, depressing as it sounds, was no bad thing. Prior to my training, it would have driven me to all manner of unhealthy behaviours. Now it causes me to sit in the sadness. Confront the loneliness. Reconcile my discomfort with not having all the answers. The reason I’ve been so lost is because I was shut away, disconnected from my friends as well as my chance at a hot girl summer, and my sense of belonging …what even is my sense of belonging? To where and who do I belong?
What emerged from my year of reading about the big stuff (no more of that now please) was that no matter the philosophy, theory, or therapeutic discipline, we all need and matter to each other. All roads lead back to connection. Although individualist culture might tell us different, the disconnection of living through intrinsic motivations is what renders us unhappy, confused and dissatisfied. In fact, it underlies most mental illness. We are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to be stoic, self-sufficient, and without need. It’s something I still have to reckon with, having come from a family where emotions were considered weakness. Vulnerability a sign of defeat. I acknowledge that when things get hard, my instinct is still to batten down the hatches and ‘deal with it’ in private. This summer taught me more than ever that, actually, I want to really share myself with someone. To allow myself the vulnerability to really trust somebody with all parts of me. To no longer seek the company or approval of those who are emotionally shut-down just because it’s familiar to me.
Spending this much time alone has been uncomfortable, and at times painful. Certainly, opening Instagram to see post after post, reel after reel of the summer I longed for felt like pressing down on the accelerator pedal of my spiral. However, I feel like I’ve come out the other side with more clarity about what I want, and what no longer serves me. The existentialist topic of death is one that’s greatly avoided because …well, to quote Bill and Ted, it’s bogus. But death is also found in the letting go of something. An ending to make way for a new beginning.
So, despite my apparent inaction - my confinement in private party with the demons of my own despair - I consider the summer to have been productive. Transformative even. But I’m also ready to let that pass now! Excited to embrace the autumn, celebrating the life of a new season, and all that stretches beyond. …As for next summer, I’m heading straight to Mykonos!
Has anyone else felt lonely this summer? Let me know your experiences…
The Spin
Sometimes sitting with uncomfortable feelings is a necessary pain we need to work through in order to understand what their roots are.
Even the most stoic and self-sufficient among us need connection. We’re not designed to be alone, and isolation is crippling for mental health.
Social media may feel like it keeps us connected, but it can actually compound feelings of separation and loneliness.
Adding More Weight
Yes to THIS GQ article - Was 2022 the Saddest Summer Ever?
Understanding that Connection is a Core Need …But We’re Terrible At It!!
Why We Need Connection More Than Ever Post-Pandemic
The fact that humans are just Not Built to Be Alone
5 ways to Embrace Vulnerability and Strengthen Relationships
Interesting read on The Rise of Lonely, Single Men
The continuation of Post-Pandemic Loneliness
Option to Go Deeper
What gives you the greatest sense of purpose and meaning?
What do you feel connected to and driven by? When do you feel most alive with purpose? What are the moments that bring you the most joy? Consider each - they might be different, or similar, but it’s worth reflecting on what underlies the life we’re living.
Beautifully written! Human interaction is so important! It’s no coincidence that 3 of the 5 blue zones are islands, where inhabitants must rely on each other for survival.
All the best in your new home, Hannah.