It's Not You, It's Me ...and My Parents

What our attachment style can tell us about our adult relationships

This week caused me to reflect on what we’re repeatedly drawn to in life. Those ‘moth-to-a-flame’ type scenarios where, goddammit, we just can’t help ourselves.

People often ask “What’s your type?” regarding dating or romantic partners.

It was never something I was able to answer and I found the question frankly absurd. I can’t even settle on a favourite type of biscuit - and besides, it’s not about looks for me. I like individuals (indi-visuals, if you will), so we don’t all have a ‘type’, come on!

Then I started studying psychology. Oh dear.

I’d misinterpreted ‘type’ to mean aesthetics. Sure, we can be attracted to looks at first, but surface lust is fleeting ( although less so with biscuits).

What we’re more likely to respond to, albeit unconsciously, is a dynamic that we learnt in early development.

I soon learned that not only did I ABSOLUTELY have a type, but that I had essentially gone for the exact same personality, over and over again.

So, that was embarrassing.

This is best explained by Attachment Theory, which was introduced by child psychologists, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1950’s. This theory drew on extensive research of how babies respond to their caregivers, finding correlation with how we then relate in later life.

As babies, we can’t self-regulate, so we depend on others to meet our basic survival needs, including emotional needs. The developing brain will sponge up maximum information from every experience in order to form an understanding of how the world works.

This is critically important, as our brain develops more in the first years of life than in all our future years combined. It also becomes less malleable as we age, meaning that we are less likely to change the thoughts and behaviours that we first adopted.

Erm… anyone else find this frightening?

How often we get our needs met in those formative baby-years defines our level of security. It tells us how safe and loved we are. What emerges from this is our attachment style.

Attachment styles are generally categorised into 4:

Anxious (sometimes referred to as Preoccupied)

Avoidant (sometimes referred to as Dismissive)

Disorganised (sometimes referred to as Fearful-Avoidant)

Secure (sometimes referred to as lucky bastards!)

There are common traits for each and you can read more via the links above to see what resonates, or determine what style mostly relates to you by taking a quick test.

But how does our attachment style relate to our ‘type’?

By understanding attachment theory, we can not only identify traits in ourselves, but also those of others, including our parents. And that’s where it gets interesting.

As human beings we have an innate draw to the familiar. Through experiencing behaviours of a ‘significant other’ (parent), we may find comfort in similar associations with future partners, even if the experience was negative. This is commonly referred to as repetition compulsion.

Of course, it can go the other way where we seek the exact opposite, but the attraction will still be informed by that formative relationship.

There’s a school of thought that the psyche unconsciously seeks to repeat a pattern in the hope of healing. Pursuing love from those similar to the parents that never met our needs. Although, forget the term ‘Daddy Issues’, as it’s certainly not gendered or limited to the father-daughter relationship.

This can help us understand partners more compassionately. What gets labelled ‘needy’ is likely to be anxious attachment. Someone ‘cold’ is probably avoidant. Both are fear-driven behaviours.

Looks can be deceiving …poor old Pepe le Pew just had anxious attachment issues!

Insecure attachments don’t doom relationships to failure. But they might be writing some unhelpful scripts in our heads that lead us to repeating patterns. By understanding ourselves and others more fully we can break away from this and build greater meaningful connections.

We are all capable of change as long as we’re willing to do the work.

On my part, by acknowledging my ‘type’, I was able to spot my pattern, re-route my behaviour and re-write my scripts.

It hasn’t helped me make decisions about biscuits, but one crusade at a time ;)

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The Spin

• If you are someone who has had a series of unsatisfactory relationships, it isn’t a failing on your part. It’s most likely an unconscious pattern and/or limiting belief that you carry from early infancy.

• It is possible to change your attachment style and heal your relationship to self and others, but it requires understanding your past and identifying the emotions attached to your experience.

• For anxious, avoidant and disorganised types, finding a securely attached partner may offer the stability to learn to trust and overcome internalised fear (although chances are, you may not be attracted to these people just yet).

• Always focus on your relationship with yourself before you start to tackle your relationships with others.

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Add More Weight

I loved this incredible series of photography by @sarahbahbah which I discovered here. Also, her website is superb.

I also highly recommend following the no-nonsense therapist, Dr. Soph. If you aren’t aware of her, you can read about her here.

If you’re interested in relationship attachment then @thesecurerelationship is a great follow.

An honest account here about fear of commitment and ghosting.

And of course, it’s fully appropriate here to wheel out Philip Larkin, his words never truer.

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Option to go deeper

What slightly unhealthy things are you attracted to in a partner?

Repetition compulsion is a theory explaining why we repeat patterns in life. It suggests we are drawn to things we experienced in childhood by an unconscious drive to correct or heal. This may not always be connected to a parent, but most likely a significant adult or caregiver. Consider the character traits of the people you are most attracted to and explore how that might map onto your childhood experiences.

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The Wind Down

I’m still obsessed with Call My Agent on Netflix - watch it for the laughs, stay for the disorganised relationship disasters.

This post from @thecut which still makes me laugh!

This week I read The Mothers, by Brit Bennett. It’s so well written that I couldn’t put it down. Great if you want something to disappear into.

I started watching The Chair on Netflix - I’m only one episode in but feels refreshingly different yet recognisable (us Brits know a stuffy English department when we see one). Plus, Sandra Oh, so..

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