I previously spoke on the Slo Mo podcast on the psychology of finding love. In the conversation, we discussed how many times we truly fall in love throughout our lifetime. And how we can tell the difference between that and all-consuming infatuation, which can sometimes feel just as, if not more powerful depending on what unconscious dynamics are at play.
It can be hard to navigate but the magnitude of love’s potential is not to be measured by the intensity of feeling from the start, which may not be based on love at all..
Chemical Romance
We must first acknowledge the physiology of attraction, which is far more than just libido (sexual desire). When we identify someone we feel connected to (whether for good or bad reasons - later discussed), neurotransmitters released by the brain pour into our systems as hormones, flooding us with pleasure, joy and often euphoria.
The intensity of feeling draws us to conclude that this connection is incredibly powerful, and that it fulfils something in us that we now feel has been missing.
What we’re actually experiencing is a chemical high - the crack cocaine of connection - and we might become addicted to the feelings of what we perceive as ‘love’. These feelings change or lessen over time, but here’s what to look out for…
If it’s infatuation: You likely start to feel unsettled by conflicting feelings. You keep chasing the high of how it felt in the beginning and become anxious, irritated or dissatisfied by your interactions with the object of your attention.
If it’s love: Although the intensity of feeling might lessen, there are positive feelings that grow from your shared experiences. You care more about the person they are and the relationship you’re building with them versus the projection of who you thought they were and how they made you feel when you first met.
Loving the Fantasy
That initial chemical high has a lot to answer for because it colours everything in that rosy-tint of perfection. It distorts our thinking so we see only what we want to see - oblivious to landmines as we side-step red flags. We paint over reality with a fairytale fantasy because we’re projecting an idea that meets what we want and need onto the other person. We’re not really seeing them yet. But as many will have experienced, when someone is put on a pedestal, it can be painful and confusing when they fall. There’s certainly nothing wrong with riding the high of excitement when you meet someone, but here’s what to look out for…
If it’s infatuation: You’ll find yourself idealising the person, or what a potential relationship with them would be like. You’ll find yourself daydreaming about them, imagining all sorts of scenarios in which you make each other feel amazing. But if it’s infatuation, you will likely feel hurt around them when they don’t meet your idealised expectations.
If it’s love: You may well still daydream, thinking of them incessantly and enjoying the feeling and intensity of connection you share. But rather than idealise that connection, you enjoy it for what it is. You appreciate the relative newness of the connection and meet that with a curiosity of getting to know them over what could potentially be years to come. In authentic love, there is space for both of you, so you do not revert to feeling wounded when they don’t respond as you imagined (fantasised) they would in your head.
Beyond the Surface
It can be hard not to judge a book by its cover because we are visual creatures, constantly interpreting information that we’re presented with. However, it’s important to understand that meaningful connections require authenticity to form and grow. We might wish to mask parts of ourselves in order to be more attractive to the other person, but this is neither real nor sustainable …so ultimately a waste of everyone’s time!
Of course there will be an initial attraction that draws us in, but here’s what to look out for…
If it’s infatuation: You’re living in that idealised state. You want things to be perfect, so will strive to present yourself in the most attractive way you can at all times, including how you communicate, your interests and your desires. You might not feel able to show your true wants and needs for fear they might not match the other person’s. As we project an idealised image onto them, that’s also what we present ourselves, so disappointment arises when these standards cannot be maintained.
If it’s love: We’re less interested in the ideal image and care more about who the person really is, including (and accepting) their faults and flaws. Love isn’t perfect, and the beauty is in the imperfections. The experience of exploring and discovering each other. Growing together. Supporting, encouraging and nurturing each other. Authentic love is honest and vulnerable. It doesn’t play games and doesn’t put on a grand show!
Obsession is Different to Affection
Infatuation often goes hand-in-hand with obsession, whether in the form of mild yet consistently distracting, to full-blown crazy-making. This can activate feeling out of control which is a gateway to insecurity, controlling tendencies and/or unconscious self-sabotage. We basically go insane.
Sure, it can feel great to get swept up in the adrenaline rush, but here’s what to look out for…
If it’s infatuation: You can usually sense deep down or in the nagging recesses of your mind that your response to this person isn’t fully positive/healthy. You may find yourself putting other parts of your life on hold as you prioritise feeling close to this person (even if that’s just thinking about them).
If it’s love: There’s an inner peace with how you feel about this person. You show them who you are at your core and feel accepted without judgment or condition. Love is not a power game but acceptance of each other in equal measure.
Falling Into Addiction
Addiction is its own red flag factory when it comes to love and romance. Problems can range from being a full-blown love addict to simply being addicted to a feeling, constantly chasing how it felt in the moments we’ve idealised in our minds.
Addiction can be confusing, as it feels like a genuine need, an essential thing we must have, so here’s what to look out for…
If it’s infatuation: You (or they) may feel addicted to romantic love, believing that that is what true love is. You might fall in ‘love’ hard and fast, believing this must be ‘the one’. You (or they) are preoccupied in chasing the high of romance. If infatuation reigns, you may never get to the reality and authenticity of love, with all its disappointments and rewards.
If it’s love: Your thoughts, actions and behaviours are rooted in the present, not the past. You’re not trying to reclaim or repeat. You aren’t chasing a high and it won’t feel like cold turkey when you don’t get the response you crave.
Love is possibly the most powerful and special feeling we can ever experience. But if it makes you crazy and stops you from feeling accepted and loved for who you really are …you might be flying the flag of infatuation. 🚩🚩🚩
What are your experiences? Do you recognise any of these dynamics? Do you know anyone currently in the throws of romantic obsession or addiction?
It’s Not What You Think
Love isn’t a feeling of scarcity, it’s abundant. You don’t need to chase it or fear it will run out.
Love embraces imperfections, rather than demanding a set of behaviours or transactions in order to be accepted.
Authentic love is honest and vulnerable - it has no interest in power dynamics and game-playing.
Real love brings a feeling of peace and acceptance, which can actually be the greatest high and one you can actually maintain.
It Is What You Do
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