When I left uni and moved to London, I loved dating. It was a great way to meet new people in a new city, and it was low-stakes-no-stress. A good date led to another, and a bad date led to a good story (likely exaggerated for comic effect) to tell friends. There was nothing to lose. I had a 9-5 job demanding very little from me and thus had the energy and time for as many random escapades as I could cram into a week.
Cut to ten years later and I barely have the enthusiasm to open up a dating app. In fact, I mostly don’t. I have Hinge on my phone which continuously gets deleted and re-downloaded as I try (and fail) to care about anything it might yield. Have I lost interest in dating? Absolutely not. But app-dating is a very different beast to the animal I used to love. It requires more energy, more time, and (in my experience at least) is much less fun.
The fun for me was the initial flirtation. The chemistry created by just as much unspoken as spoken communication. Body language, pheromones, sweat and perfume. The sexy nervous tension driving a fizz of excitement. A spark of a connection which may quickly extinguish or burn ever brighter - who knows, let’s see where it goes.
Dating apps aren’t like that. They’re pheromone-free and utterly vibe-less. The serendipity of a chance encounter is replaced by trawling like a North-Sea fisherman. A net cast so wide that picking out one in a shoal is like routing around for a needle in a haystack - likely wasting a lot of time only to end up with a prick.
I found it weird that I couldn’t get onboard with the apps like most people seemed to. I get it - they’re fun, noncommittal, and the options are endless. But when it comes to the magic of dating, for me the apps have not only pulled back the curtain, they’ve pulled it down and burnt it!
Perhaps I’m lazy, but the sheer admin of the (sometimes endless) pre-amble before meeting feels more like research for a job interview that I’m not sure I even want. What used to be a social release now feels more like personality interrogation or even worse - death by small-talk.
Then there’s all the weirdness. The ghosts, the flakes, the catfish. The bizarre intros or the far too frequent bait-and-switch where someone seems fine until they drop a creep-bomb that detonates the ick.
I was chatting to a friend about it this week - “we’ve all got option fatigue”, he reckoned. And it’s true. When I think back to my twenties, I wouldn’t have imagined that dating would one day involve a library of men with the same haircut living in my phone who all loved coffee and dogs, but here we are. The world has changed and so have we as a result. We’re spoiled for choice so our choices become spoiled. We don’t have the patience for curiosity. The attention-span for exploration. The time to risk on time-wasters. We want instant gratification so if a conversational match doesn’t instantly set us on fire then it leaves us cold.
In 2002, Wired Magazine wrote that “twenty years from now, the idea that someone looking for love won’t look for it online will be silly.” Correctly predicted, online dating now permeates, if not suffocates, dating culture. This article from last year really hit on something for me. Journalist Rachel Connelly writes of her activity on Tinder, stating “I did it because I knew I could get away with it”. Of course that makes sense. We’re not dating friends of friends, work mates, or even people we are likely to run into again. We’re chatting to avatars. Divorced from reality, hidden from view. We can be our worst selves with no accountability, no consequences. Who cares - there’s plenty more fish in the digital sea.
I may sound jaded here. I appreciate the accessibility these apps offer, connecting people who would otherwise never meet. But they’ve turned our heads to believe that connections should be instant, immediately exciting or otherwise utterly disposable. What used to be a Little Black Book is now creating a big black hole. Those myriad micro-rejections are a slow death by a thousand cuts to our self-esteem - and all from people we don’t even know. Whether the rejector, or the rejectee, it has a collective impact in society. We’re judging books by their covers so frequently that we’re forgetting how to read.
It’s those using dating apps for one-night hookups that have the best deal. Swipe right to specify time and location and it’s basically the Deliveroo of sex. Those looking for anything else will instead face an obstacle course of small talk, projection, assumption, comparison and most likely disappointment. Which happen to be my least favourite things! No wonder the apps are not for me.
Technology is wonderful in so many ways but we must remember that what the digital overlords giveth, they also taketh away. They’ve provided means to make contact but taken our initial chemistry test. They’ve saturated us with options but taken our patience to give people a chance. They’ve given us new ways to communicate but taken our manners.
Maybe it’s just me but I’d rather keep my attention in the real world. My eyes looking up from my phone at people who don’t have to be perfect or preened or prolific. I need to remind myself that people are unique, not simply one of many to be digitally shopped for like disposable fashion. Real connection requires time, attention, and acceptance of one another. Online dating can be fun, sure, but is it ultimately doing more harm than good?
The Spin
Real connection is near impossible from behind a screen. Apps are incredible connectors but we must always remember that a screen is a barrier, often distorting our view of reality and blocking us from really ‘seeing’ each other.
We’re inundated with options so we’re no longer investing in each other with the time and curiosity to see where something goes.
The vast digital realm of dating means we no longer feel accountable, so may behave poorly, treating people with a disregard we would never give them in real life.
Adding More Weight
For fun, take a look at the History of ‘Online’ Dating from 1695 to Now
22 Things To Stop Doing On Dating Apps in case you’re wondering.
It’s not you - these are the Numerous Challenges of Dating
This article from last year still makes me laugh and rings just as true today
This GQ article on ‘When Men Get The Ick’
Option to Go Deeper
When is the last time you felt truly nourished by a conversation?
Who was it with? What was discussed? What made it a great conversation for you? What did it leave you feeling? What do you think you need in order to have more conversations like that?
Your Check-In
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