I Can See Clearly Now the Pain Has Gone
Weathering the storm of tricky interactions
We’ve all been caught short at times. Those moments when our bodies, seemingly from nowhere, alert us to the fact that we’re thirsty or hungry. Suddenly we can’t think of anything else. Worse still if we need to find a bathroom, and the very idea of having to do anything between now and when we relieve ourselves seems an impossible ask.
What about when we’re in pain?
Anyone who’s experienced a bad headache will remember the pain dominating every moment and interaction until it subsides. When in pain, our field of focus becomes reduced as our control centre prioritises the immediate concern - pain management. We automatically shut down any room for creativity, expansive thinking, empathy and consideration of others. It’s only when the pain clears that the clouds part, space opens up and our world suddenly feels accessible again.
I was exploring the concept of selfishness in a group workshop this week and one woman shared that when her husband is in [emotional] pain he becomes very selfish. “He shuts down, becomes angry and aggressive, and it’s impossible to reason with him …he never once thinks about what that is like for me and the kids”. Well no, I reasoned. He can’t.
What this woman was presenting was a layered problem that buries so many relationships, and not just romantic ones. He was stuck in his individual experience due to an overwhelm of feeling that had overridden his system, shutting down anything outside of dealing with the immediate problem. His selfishness was primal, not because he didn’t care about her. He just wasn’t able to consider her or prioritise the relationship in which they had to co-exist together. He was in pain.
Unfortunately, the adage that ‘hurt people will hurt people’ is most definitely true. What happens more often than not between two people who care about each other, is that one person’s pain response is perceived as hurtful (or selfish) to the other, perhaps triggering their own individual material, and thus the relationship suffers as a result. More damaging (and common) is when one or both parties don’t acknowledge that they are wounded, so the pain is masked rather than communicated as something that can be worked through.
A crucial thing to remember is that, like it or not, we all still have an inner child, and (healthily adjusted) children cannot tolerate unfairness! So at a basic level, if someone is being irrational, we’re likely to regress to a very young place ourselves out of the sheer injustice of it all.
Something I personally return to in all of my relationships is generosity of assumption. If we consistently assume that we are all doing the best we can with the emotional tools we have, our job when someone else is in pain is to have empathy and understanding. That doesn’t mean let them be a brat indefinitely. And it certainly doesn’t mean become enmeshed with their issues as their emotional punching bag. But appreciate that they are temporarily in an irrational place, unable to consider the 3-part Venn-diagram of your relationship until their emotional clouds part.
The challenge presented in these scenarios is to separate their experience from yours with love rather than rejection or detachment. Be the adult and soothe the tantrum, but be sure to visit the issues with honest open communication once they are in a place to see and hear you again.
This is by no means easy, and takes practice and strength. It can feel like a storm of threatening emotions from both sides. But if you can weather that storm, this will set you up with the best relationship foundations once the clouds part and you can see each other clearly again.
It’s All in The Breakdown
When we are in pain, it’s hard to see/feel anything other than the pain we are in.
The discomfort of pain can cause us to lash out or act irrationally.
It doesn’t help anyone when we become enmeshed in someone else’s pain, no matter how much we love them. We need to look objectively (and honestly) about what behaviours/reactions are ours and which are theirs, and what co-habits as a result in that relational space.
With generosity of assumption, we can seek to understand that the other person is not acting irrationally to hurt or punish us. They are simply unable to see things clearly until they are out of their personal storm. (*If they are seeking to hurt or punish us, we should seriously question why we are in any sort of relationship with that person!)
Ideally, we should each have the self-awareness to take responsibility for our own part in every different relationship dynamic. This is something that can be actualised and worked through in psychotherapy.
See What You Think…
Emotional & Physical Pain Are Almost the Same to Your Brain
6 Healthy Ways to Shed Layers of Emotional Pain
People Manipulate Out of Brokenness
The Pressure to Forgive Can Be the Wrong Response to Trauma
See What You Feel…
Think of a time you’ve been emotionally hurt by someone you trust to be a good person with a kind heart. Try to separate the experiential components into a 3-part Venn diagram as below. Be honest about your own reactions/triggers based on your own material, but also define clearly what may have had nothing to do with you, and where the relationship got affected as a result.
What might have been required to keep perspective of these three separate categories in that experience?
Thinking Ahead…
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