How To Break The Cycle of Self-Sabotage
How fear is keeping us stuck in a prison of our own making
Getting Started is the Worst Part..
There’s a feeling that’s very familiar to me in both my work and personal life - the horrible sense that I’m circling the drain. I’ll start a project, article or even relationship with energy and excitement, only to have it disintegrate through my fingers like sand (which doesn’t circle a drain - see, can’t even commit to a metaphor!)
For years I thought that I was lazy, or lacked focus. Did I lack ambition? That didn’t feel right. I knew I was working hard, so lazy didn’t really fit either. But what was my problem? Why did so many things fall by the wayside when I’d had such high hopes?
It’s those high hopes that will do it. Because it isn’t laziness, and what I lack in those moments is courage rather than focus. When we aspire for something we love it can bring up a powerful fear of failure. For me, I was afraid of the potential humiliation of realising the gap between what I wanted and reality was cavernous. It is a common behaviour in these instances to withdraw rather than risk rejection or failure. We self-sabotage.
I envy those who continue to put themselves out there. Those who boldly go, with their heart emblazoned on their sleeve. Hang the consequences! Unfortunately, these champions of risk are in the minority. Most of us hold back, fixed in place by the muscle-memory of past mistakes.
It only gets worse with time. The longer we hold onto our ambition without acting on it, the more fearful we become of the hurt or disappointment it could unleash. Sadly, many would rather hold onto the idea of something rather than have it actualised into less than they expect. No doubt you’ve heard someone say “I could have been a great (actor/dancer/footballer/musician)”. They usually go on to qualify what got in their way. They don’t usually acknowledge that it was, in fact, themselves. We all have a healthy amount of narcissism somewhere inside us and it may well tell you that you could be the greatest footballer in the world. Or your art would be exquisite and galleries would be tripping over themselves to showcase your work. It can be devastating to try your hand at your craft and realise the slog and rejection that comes with wanting.
But what a sad place for us to stay stuck. If 2020 has taught us anything (and it’s taught us a lot) it’s that our time here is fleeting. Therefore, to suppress wants and desires out of fear of rejection is a wasted opportunity - and a heartbreaking one at that.
I needed to get my head around this and have a big old word with myself. I’d say that in my case, ego was definitely playing a part. I couldn’t bear the idea of being average or mediocre (I’m cringing but it’s true). I wanted to do something great and if it couldn’t be great then I’d rather not do it at all. What a narcissistic baby I was being! But it wasn’t vanity or ego-stroking. It was a deeper fear that not achieving what I thought I was capable of would confirm that I had nothing to offer; that I was worthless. When I got to the root of it, it turns out that I didn’t need to be brilliant, I just needed to matter. And that was the thought that set me free. Because we do all matter, in big and small and indisputable ways.
Now, when I think of putting myself out there, I don’t think of the reception of my work in terms of numbers but in terms of impact. If you can reach another person with your work in a meaningful way, or have a relationship that may not last but touches a persons life for the better, that is a rich success.
If you acknowledge the fear and ask yourself what’s really behind it, maybe you can find what might give you the freedom to take that risk of vulnerability. The alternative is a life half-lived. Don’t be the old guy saying he could have been the world’s greatest boxer. Just get in the ring.
The Breakthrough (The Good Bit)
Fear is a terrifying feeling. Own it - you’re not being lazy or flakey, you’re just afraid.
Take critical judgement out of the equation. What would your inner child want you to do?
Manage your expectations - what is it that you want/need to achieve to feel satisfied and is that a realistic goal?
Adding More Weight
I adore this talk from Ethan Hawke on giving yourself permission to be creative which was sent to me by a great friend of mine.
This excerpt from Matt Haig’s The Comfort Book.
Sarah Ferguson learning to like herself (although I hate the title they gave this article!)
This episode on Risk and Reality from the This Jungian Life podcast.
ANYTHING with Mo Gawdat - here’s a great interview with him on ‘engineering your path to joy’ with Emma Gannon.
..and definitely check out his own podcast, Slo-Mo for more great interviews.
Option To Go Deeper
Think about something you really want right now. If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do about it?
We often don’t show up fully for the things we want because we are scared of the gap between our aspirations and reality. By not fully committing, or abandoning our desires, we are self-sabotaging by holding ourselves hostage to fear.
The Wind Down
I am definitely last to the party with this but if anyone has not yet seen Call My Agent on Netflix - it’s just brilliant.
As always, please do share if you like this content or think it might help someone.