I read an article in New York magazine a while ago which has stayed with me like a ghost. Talented young artist, Anthony Veasna So, died of an overdose at 28 years old, right before reaching literary acclaim with his debut story collection, Afterparties.
His untimely death is sad enough, but what stayed with me were the mixed accounts of his character from family, friends and partner of 7 years, Alex Torres. Everyone seemed to know a completely different Anthony.
It made me think about the different characters we play in our own story collection.
As social creatures, we learn to develop multi-faceted characters, shape-shifting a little here and there to adapt to our environment. We might be known as the dutiful child to our parents, the wild one to our friends, the funny one in the office. But while for some this is a simple recalibration, for others this practise can become distorted, resulting in continuous personality shifting and a subsequent disconnection from the self.
The term code switching has recently become more widely used, often relating to cultural identity. Those of mixed heritage, or living in the duality of two different cultures might feel required to oscillate between two very different social settings. But most of us code-switch in one way or another. It’s a hard-wired human behaviour driven by a basal desire to be accepted.
An ex-colleague of mine from Pakistan was one of the most no-nonsense women I’ve worked with - smart, funny as a hell, and an absolute North London rude girl! However, to her family she was demure, quiet and incredibly reserved. She quite literally covered up her rude girl persona, swaddling herself in the fabric of a separate identity.
From the outside (uneducated) perspective, straddling two different identities might seem problematic for the psyche. But the relationship with ‘self’ plays a crucial function here. She had an incredibly strong sense of self, so code-switching took less of a toll because she knew who she was at her core, and the qualities of her true self would shine through both identities.
Code-switching becomes problematic when an individual has not yet formed a strong enough relationship with themselves. Often because they were never taught that they were enough in childhood, thus looking externally for who they should be.
With no anchor, we can drift into continuous people-pleasing and shape-shifting. Ghosts forever seeking characters to embody.
“I’m sensitive to this idea of — I knew him and, also, I didn’t know him.” - Danny Thanh Nguyen, So’s friend & fellow writer
I was guilty of this for many years. I would unknowingly attach myself to somebody’s idea of me, and without anything rooting me, an anxiety (similar to fraud complex) would activate in my subconscious because, in a way, I only really existed through the other person’s view of me.
It’s an exhausting and pointless endeavour. What a relief it was to realise (through a hefty amount of therapy) that - no one cares! In fact, when I stopped worrying what other people thought of me, it set off a positive chain reaction:
I stopped prioritising what people thought of me > > I had space to consider who I really was > > I accepted the good, and no longer feared the bad parts of me > > I became a real person that people could know and respect! (so I had nothing to be afraid of, ..that’s embarrassing!)
It’s natural to care what other people think, of course. But not to the detriment of your self-esteem or values.
After all, it’s important to be the main character in your own story.
A character we love for their flaws, individuality and unique identity. A real and whole person, whose identity can live on long after the story ends.
The Spin
Humans are social creatures, so we are sensitive to being socially accepted. A bit of shape-shifting is no bad thing
….as long as you have the boundaries and strong core of self to know where you begin and end.
Quite often we people-please or adopt personas because we haven’t fully accepted ourselves. It may be that we were never taught that we were enough when we were just being ourselves. We had to be different to be accepted.
Whoever, whatever, whenever - you are enough. End of conversation. 😉
Adding More Weight
Article: Love me, so that I can love myself: A Western identity crisis
Article: The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance
Article: People of colour have to ‘code-switch’ to fit in with white norms
Podcast: A great ep on the Power of Paradox
Option To Go Deeper
How would you write yourself up as a character?
Imagine you have to flesh out the character of ‘you’ for a screenplay or a novel. Consider the good parts, the human flaws, the quirks. It can be interesting to write this down, as honestly and detailed as you can - to really articulate all the different parts that make you who you truly are. A real person - a character to believe in!
The Wind Down
❤️ 👏 Lil Nas X with his cover of Dolly Parton’s Jolene »
Also, I went down a Netflix rabbit hole and ending up binge-watching Clickbait into the early hours. - How well do we really know the people we love?
And I MASSIVELY recommend the Brown Girls Do It Too podcast. Inside track on some cultural code-switching when it comes to sex. Educational for white people, hilarious for everyone!!