When you’ve been single for a while and hoping to meet someone who’s the right fit for you, there’s nothing more annoying than when people say, “It’s when you stop looking that they’ll show up”. This is terrible advice for multiple reasons. (I’ll explain why to follow).
There’s also popular opinion that we can ‘manifest’ what we want into our lives. Again, without understanding the nuance of how this actually works, this is equally unhelpful.
To their credit, what both have in common is that they invite a mindset shift in order to find what we need (note the carefully chosen words here).
However, my issue is that the first suggests we should just chill and life will do the work for us (erm, no! 🤦♀️ ). The second infers that the universe will be conjured into action upon hearing the right affirmations. Neither make clear that we must first interrogate what it is we’re currently looking for, whilst also examining the lens at which we’re looking through.
So there’s good and bad news on this front…
The good news is that we are not merely at the mercy of life’s decision to romantically spell-cast, nor the universe’s admin processing of positive affirmations. We have far more autonomy in finding that seemingly elusive gem we all secretly (or not so secretly) crave; true connection and lasting love.
The ‘bad’ news is that it requires us to step up and take responsibility for our current patterns, scripts, and default behaviours. To do the work on ourselves before we set about trying to find our match.
There are plenty of urban legends out there that testify relationships borne out of manifestation or a sudden apparition of ‘the one’ (“just when I’d stopped looking!”). In fact, I’ll even throw my hat in the ring here. Just last year I met the person I’ve committed to spend the rest of my life with, and our story did feel like magic. It could have supported either of the aforementioned narratives, BUT that would be a very narrow view of a much wider picture.
The truth is that he didn’t show up when I’d stopped looking, he showed up when I’d stopped looking for the wrong things. It wasn’t that I’d manifested something great into my life, but that I’d worked on myself enough to recognise what life was putting in my path. I know this because I can absolutely guarantee that as much as I love this man, I would have run screaming in the other direction before I’d done this work. I wasn’t ready, and I was still driven by dysfunctional needs rather than those which would make me whole.
There’s a term in humanistic psychology called figure and ground, which relates to visual fields separated by background and object. The theory is that what emerges into the foreground as the object will be what our minds identify as most familiar. We’ve all seen those dual images depicting two different things at once, the fun being trying to spot the image that is less apparent. But there’s supposedly psychology behind why the first image emerges to us as most prominent. Light/dark mood, positive/negative mindset, recognition of anything that represents past experience… the list goes on.
What often occurs in dating is that what prominently emerges to us depends on what we’re expecting based on past experience and/or core scripts. This can potentially keep us trapped in a cycle of similar dynamics, as our focus rejects anything that is unfamiliar.
Through doing the work on ourselves to change these scripts and break our patterns, we change our perception, and thus our focus adjusts and new possibilities emerge.
It’s only when we do this work that the person we truly need ‘just shows up’, and we find what we’re really looking for, almost as if we manifested it! 😉
The Essential Breakdown
We’re all significantly impacted by our experiential conditioning. This can be positive or negative, but is often at the root of core scripts and behaviours that might hinder or search for love.
As primal beings, we will always default to what feels safe, even if it limits our freedom, causes anxiety and/or blocks our need for connection.
Until we bring our patterns and behaviours into our awareness and work with them, we can remain stuck in dysfunctional dynamics that never get us what we want.
As our perception changes and awareness develops, our minds expand, opening to new possibilities that go beyond dysfunctional or previously conditioned needs.
It’s only when we take responsibility for the relationship with ourselves that we can have a truly meaningful and lasting relationship with others.
Basically, it’s not them, it’s us.
Ask Yourself…
What’s my relationship pattern?
What are the commonalities in the characters I’m attracted to, and why are these traits important to me?
Who do I become in my relationships? …and why?
What do I find most challenging in relationships?
What is my ultimate belief about love and relationships? (e.g. nothing lasts forever, if it’s love it should be easy, people eventually leave, it needs to look like what my parents had… etc etc.)
It’s Not What You Think
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