A Grief Moment in Time
Why it's OK to be a little off-track right now
I’m currently feeling ..odd. Disorientated; My inner compass so unsure where to point that it’s dancing to Saturday Night Fever. I’m making strange decisions and being reckless with choice. Am I being resilient or fearful? Hopeless or hopeful? I feel everything and nothing, all at once.
I’d assumed this was just me. That I was simply having a ‘moment’ (or full-on breakdown). But hearing from others, it seems that everyone is experiencing some sort of post-pandemic-stress-disorder that we have no manual for.
I’ve just started watching Season 2 of The Morning Show, which they shot during the pandemic. I was surprised how emotional I felt watching them recreate NYE 2020. The first mentions of Coronavirus limited to short news clips about some illness affecting China.
I was struck with what felt like grief. A stab of pain for a time we can’t get back. A longing for that ignorant bliss (we can never un-see 2020!).
We’re apparently moving on, returning to some normality. But after a prolonged period of shock, fear, stress, and so much death, there’s a lot in the ether. We are trying to resume business as usual, but in one way or another, the pandemic changed us all.
When my mum died, I was in my early-twenties, and as many will tell you, grief is not what you expect it to be.
The brain, wired for survival, initiates a psychological Tough-Mudder, racing you through different thought patterns, switching it up so you keep going. The mental edict being ‘show strength, prove resilience, and above all, ignore the pain’.
The body, on the other hand, also pro-survival, is more concerned about the gaping hole in your heart. The now empty space that you’d naïvely thought would always be occupied.
How we manage this is individual, but it’s common (as was in my case) for the brain to shut off from the body. No pit-stops for sensitivity on the resilience route - It’s easier to think if you can’t feel.
Grief is associated with the loss of life, but we can experience grief for any sort of loss - love, opportunity, innocence, friendships.
The pandemic caused us to grieve for a time that felt safe. Not just physically, but emotionally. It took away stability, routine, social interaction, freedom. It took away our trust that those things would always be available to us.
It left us with burnout and exhaustion. Loneliness and literal grief for so many who lost, and continue to lose loved ones.
We see society around us acting out the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining), and I guess it’s all part of the process.
We may want to ignore feelings completely in an attempt to recalibrate and feel back in control. But the body never plays that game, and what the head ignores, the body will manifest in other ways; exhaustion, stress, anxiety, panic attacks, depression.
They say the final stage of grief is acceptance. Accepting the things we cannot change - but it’s also an opportunity to accept and embrace a complete unadulterated uncertainty for the future.
2020 blew a gaping hole in our roadmap, and we might need to wait for the dust to settle before we see where we’re going next. It’s a chance to pause. To slow down, repair and refuel, rather than churning up more dirt in the race to who-knows-where.
The challenge for many right now is being ok with the ‘not knowing’.
We can’t go back, and we don’t yet know our future. So, we’re allowed be off-track. We need time to process what’s happened. What’s lost and what could be gained. We don’t yet have answers, but right now, we don’t need roads…
The Spin
It’s not only understandable, but healthy to feel ‘not OK’ right now. We’re all getting our heads around a major global disaster. (Sounds dramatic. Was dramatic).
The most certain thing in life is uncertainty. Control-freaks stand down, there’s nothing you can do here.
The global reset is an opportunity for us all to break some rules and make some new ones. While we’re still trying to figure out what the ‘new normal’ looks like, there’s a chance to redesign what that looks like for you.
Grief is a necessary process in order to start again. Honouring a loss of the old is what makes way for the new.
…and it doesn’t always make sense - so embrace the confusion. This too shall pass.
Adding More Weight
Esther Perel explaining the feelings of burnout.
How burnout might be a good thing.
How the pandemic is rewriting the workplace novel.
A great podcast ep on uncertainty and our fear of the unknown.
Breaking free of past structures - Arguing the case for a four-day work week.
And this article on loneliness and intimacy.
Option To Go Deeper
In what ways have you changed in the past year?
There can be an internal resistance to change sometimes. We can try and hold onto things that are ready to be shed. Experience changes you, and so we’ve all changed in small and possibly major ways over the past year. Reflecting on this can be really healthy. As humans we change all the time as natural, and positive evolution.
Explore your own relationship with change. If it’s something you embrace, ask yourself why? If it’s something you fear, why? Are there things you’re excited about? Ignoring? Afraid to let go of?
Consider the theme of acceptance. Allow yourself to grieve any losses, to fully make way for the gains.
The Wind Down
Massively recommend The Morning Show Season 1 if you haven’t watched it yet (if you have, then I’m sure you’re jumping into S2 already!)
The Starling on Netflix covers the complexity of grief.
I really enjoyed Dolly Alderton’s book, Ghosts to get under the skin of loneliness, dating, connection and friendship.
So many awesome interviews on Cariad Lloyd’s podcast, Griefcast - I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve enjoyed.
Nice article. Hit the spot.