In honour of Halloween (and my penchant for nineties pop-culture refs), I was reminded of the iconic opening scene of Scream; a cherub-cheeked Drew Barrymore blissfully unaware of what nonsense was about to greet her as she answers the phone.
Now, taking the knives and psychopaths out of the equation, it did make me think of those times, weâve all had them, where communication with another person takes a sudden and unexpected wrong turn.
(Did I just shoehorn in a Halloween reference where it didnât belong? Yep! Not even sorry!)
How many times have you had an exchange with someone and come away thinking âwhat just happened??â. Someone taking offence where there was none intended. Sarcasm you thought was hilarious, only to be met by a thunderous glare. Those brutal silences that can only be described as âawwkkwwaaaaardâ.
Maybe youâre the one who takes umbrage. You might suddenly feel judged. Or patronised. Subtle facial expressions causing a conversational wind-change; a smirk or unsettling side-eye, a misjudged eye-roll. The person may just have gas - we donât know!
How often do we react to each other in a way that, upon reflection, feels disproportionate to the context of the exchange?
Transactional Analysis is an area of psychotherapy that analyses social interactions to determine the two conversing ego states driving them. These daily interactions can be anything from an exchange with a loved one, to eye-contact with a stranger. Any human connection, no matter how small, is an exchange.
Eric Berne developed the concept of Transactional Analysis in the late 1950âs, which revised Freudâs ego, super-ego and the id to define the trinity as Parent, Adult, and Child ego states present in the psyche.
Berne believed that we alter our ego states in response to our transaction with another person. That three parts of ourselves will inform our thinking, and the emotional or behavioural outcome will depend on whichever is most heightened in that exchange.
As depicted above, our Child ego is strongly linked to feelings we experienced in early development. This part can be particularly dominant if childhood was difficult or problematic. Seemingly grown adults may be experiencing a form of arrested development, requiring an address of situations or experiences when the child was unable to feel secure or safe.
We also have our Parent Ego, which holds the attitudes and messaging we internalised from our parents when we were young. Itâs an emotional hand-me-down that rarely serves us. You will find that whether judgement is internal or externally executed by people, that punitive voice is unconsciously coming from at least one internalised parent - and most likely how they themselves felt treated as a child.
Then thereâs the third, more (hallelujah) healthy state, deemed the Adult Ego. We are in our âAdultâ when we are not acting according to internalised scripts of parents, nor raw child emotions. The Adult state operates in the here and now, and processes information appropriate to the current situation.
Although we all develop an Adult part to our psyche, it is often the most easily overwhelmed, as the voices of Parent and Child carry the booming echo of time - incessantly wailing with the deep scars and wounds founded in early development. The latterly formed Adult ego may find it difficult to out-reason the other two, instead being swept into the drama. Indeed, Transactional Analysts suggest it is safer for a person to believe a lie than to acknowledge the evidence in front of them, because we find safety in familiarity, even if painful. This is called Contamination of the Adult.
So, to put this in context, we are unconsciously operating from one of 3 states at any one time, yet our exchanges mean communicating with any one of 3 states in another - and who knows which one might be showing up for work that day!
Unfortunately, unless we are aware of it, Adult to Adult communication between individuals is not only rare, but hard to maintain. Sooner or later the Parent or Child gets activated.
As social beings, we seek approval and inclusion from others. But as various egos taking the wheel, our interactions become loaded, or at least pre-coded with our internalised scripts. Our weighty family baggage getting chucked into the here-and-now, only to explode in the space between us and the person weâre trying to engage with.
The good news is, we donât need to fear these conversational land-mines, but allow the space to understand them. To have compassion for what gets detonated in that moment, whether in yourself or the other.
The trick (and treat!) is to develop strong boundaries around your Adult ego. Give the Parent and Child a voice, sure, they are screaming because they think theyâre protecting you, in their own psychotic little ways. But your Adult is the one living in the present. Your Adult is not bound by scripts and so has the freedom to choose how to be in the here-and-now.
Itâs hard work and takes practice. I have to recommend again the work of Byron Katie, who encourages us to go through a process that she calls âThe Workâ (she offers these resources free on her website, by the way!). For us to step back, dissect our narrative, and for each part ask ourselves âIs that true?â.
Now, to be clear, Iâm not suggesting thatâs what Drew Barrymore should have done with her mystery caller. If someone shows up in a Scream mask then Byron Katie is of no help to you.
But in general, when a conversation gets heated, triggering or uncomfortable, take a pause and remember that it may just be the result of not having an Adult in the room.
The Spin
Everyone has conflicting ego states which may get dialled up or dialled down depending on social interaction
We oscillate between states with frightening ease - try to notice feelings such as fear, irritation, intimidation etc., and consider whether the Parent or Child may have taken over
Miscommunications donât necessarily need to be taken personally. Before taking an exchange to heart, consider whether the other person may have been acting from a triggered state
Adding More Weight
A more cohesive breakdown of Transactional Analysis
Best-selling (albeit dated) pop-psychology book, Iâm OK, Youâre OK
How to respond when youâre not OK.
This article where actor, Mark Strong talks about his insecurity.
This article in The Irish Times - Stop Telling Me Itâs OK Not to be OK
Option to Go Deeper
Think about someone you have/had a difficult relationship with. Can you identify which ego states you think you have both been operating from, and at what times?
The Wind Down
Revel in the dysfunction of Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm
I LOVED reading Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine - itâs laugh-out-loud but also smart and thought-provoking.
And watch ALL of 30 Rock!! - hereâs Liz Lemon showing us a Child >< Parent interaction with Jack Donaghy because I couldnât bear another Scream reference.. Happy Halloween! đ