A Change of Part
Understanding our many contradictions (and why we might act so nuts!)
It’s been months, MONTHS (not years as I told someone just yesterday) since I last posted on Substack. Time flies when you’re hiding under the bed. I stopped writing because part of me didn’t enjoy it anymore. What had once been my favourite part of the week had become a weight around my shoulders and a noose around my neck. What confused me was that not writing quickly became an even bigger weight. It seemed I’d let go of one thing and strapped on a sense of failure and cowardice. It’s true I’d had new work contracts come in, case studies to write, and workshops to plan and deliver. But when I first started to write, I’d always find time, regardless of how busy life was around me. So what was going on?
We tend to operate under the misconception that our psychology is a single entity - that pesky thing we call a Mind. We think it has a singular identity that incorporates our values, traits, morals and characteristics. What we do and don’t do, what we stand for, what type of person we are. It’s why we freak out when we can’t understand how we’re feeling or do something seemingly out of character. That sense of misalignment can compound the feeling that something must be wrong.
In fact, we are a complex amalgamation of multiple parts, all continually fighting for attention within the same headspace. Hence why we’re all so contradictory in nature. Why we can want something so much yet not go after it. Be both introvert and extrovert. Sabotage relationships, and do all the things we know are bad for us.
The psychologist Dr. Richard Schwartz developed a style of psychotherapy that works with these contradictions. Having specialised in family counselling, he was used to navigating a group of separate individuals, of different ages and with different needs, despite belonging to the same family unit. Schwartz realised that our own psychology operates in much the same way, coining the field now known as Internal Family Systems (IFS).
Rather than judging our reactions and behaviours as a collective, the objective is to identify different parts of ourselves that might be contradicting one another and address them with respect and curiosity. The idea is that our parts are all acting in service to our psyche. Ironically, even those holding us back, driving us to addictions or causing suffering, are trying to protect us from something we previously identified as dangerous or painful.
For example, we might want a relationship but be held back by a part that fears getting hurt. Addicts may be desperate to give up compulsive behaviours but a part still prioritises an escape from whatever underlying pain is driving the behaviour.
In Schwartz’s book, No Bad Parts, he shares:
“I quickly saw how when a bulimic client’s critic started in on her, it triggered another [part] that felt worthless, young, alone, and empty. Then, as that one was making the client feel its feelings, to the rescue came the binge and took her away. After the binge, however, the critic returned with a vengeance, now attacking her for having binged. This, of course, triggered the young one again and my client was caught once more in the terrible cycle”
When different drives, instincts and responses compete, it’s typically the part that feels most wounded that will win out, because it’s the one that needs the most protection. Contrary to popular belief, nobody deliberately self-sabotages. They’re simply responding to the voice that shouts the loudest within their Internal Family System.
Imagine this within the body. Imagine having the drive and physique of a natural athlete in order to run a marathon yet refusing to acknowledge a broken ankle and then chastising yourself as being lazy or inadequate. It would be obvious to us that first we must attend to the part that’s in pain/damaged, in this case the ankle, in order to proceed as a whole.
Pixar dipped its toe into IFS theory by identifying the different emotions of its protagonist Riley in the film Inside Out. Although incredibly simplified, it depicted the competing emotions with different agendas pulling different levers in the psyche, often wreaking havoc within a perfectly healthy developing mind.
However, as we start to identify the different parts of our mindscape, it’s important to understand the ages of each emotion, more specifically the experience or time from which it is speaking. For example, a part of us may be stuck at a time/age of being bullied, or frozen from a trauma, or holding onto a role played in a certain relationship. Hope, fear, ambition, resentment, drive, and avoidance can all co-exist in the same space. The suffering is in not understanding how or why we are so conflicted.
Working with IFS requires identifying and engaging with each part in silo, understanding the competing feelings, without judgement or criticism. Really tuning in and listening to ourselves.
The parts that emerge can generally be categorised as follows:
1. Exiles
Exiles are parts that carry the most extreme memories and feelings, often the youngest parts, frozen from a time of childhood experience. They might be holding onto memories of abuse, neglect, humiliation, and/or shame. A part becomes an exile when their pain is so great that other parts lock them away to protect from overwhelm. Extreme anxiety is caused by the energy it takes to keep exiles out of our consciousness.
2. Managers
Managers are the protectors whose focus is keeping the system stable. They continually seek to control the system so that exiled parts are kept out of awareness. The fear of most managers is that the exiled parts may emerge and overwhelm the system with the intensity of the memories/feelings they hold. Managers masquerade as being the Self, when in fact they are blocking us from seeing ourselves fully (and thus reaching our full potential).
3. Firefighters
Firefighters are parts that step in when an exiled part breaks through a manager’s defences. Their goal is to stop us feeling the pain that exiles carry. This may be a distraction tactic such as smoking, endorphin-seeking, or overworking. However, this can cause great internal disruption as the managers usually deplore these tactics. This confusing polarity can cause behaviours to escalate to extremes such as binge eating, self-harm, suicide attempts, or substance abuse.
The Unburdening Process
The process of unburdening is the key to healing exiles and other wounded parts. When we can see ourselves as a collective Self, we can listen to the exile’s experience until the exile feels understood, accepted, and loved, then offer the exile a chance to start-over as we give it what it needs.
It takes time and often much persuasion before the part is ready, so patience is required along with compassion (and usually a therapist). The overall goal is to understand each part and their relationships to one another in order to heal their wounds and triggers and find new, healthy patterns of interaction. Otherwise we might stay caught in frustrating cycles of behaviour, forever on the verge of suffering a part-attack!
In Summary
We all have a multitude of different parts within our psychology, many which may naturally compete with each other unless identified.
Identifying these parts can help us understand the root cause of mental blocks, addictions or unwanted behaviours.
Working with parts allows us to help them engage rather than compete with each other.
It takes time, but working with our competing parts as a collective can be transformative in unlocking our potential and getting us ‘unstuck’ from negative thought/behavioural patterns.
Adding More Weight
This is a great book on understanding more about our different parts
Or this piece will give you the gist if you don’t want to get the book!
..and if you haven’t yet, for the love of Bing Bong, you have to watch Inside Out.
Option to Go Deeper
Is there a part of your psychology currently frustrating you that you can’t seem to get past?
Tune in with yourself until the negative voice comes forward. Rather than challenge it, listen to what it has to say. Ask it what it’s protecting you from. Why does it feel you need that protection? If you can dialogue with it, ask it what age it thinks you are in order to need this protection. Make sure you listen to everything it has to say, everything it has to warn you about. Ask it, if you no longer needed it to be a protector, what role would it rather be doing?
(N.B. This is just part of the IFS work that is far more in-depth. If it resonates, I highly recommend reading more about it or contact me if you’d like to work through something).
Fascinating and beautifully written, as always. Welcome back Hannah- Fridays have not been the same without you!!