September has always been my favourite month. For my younger self it was the new school year. New pencil case, fresh books, and new subjects to delve into. Everyone smart in a crisp clean uniform. The dishevelment of summer scrubbed from us, the cool autumn air now signalled a whole new vibe.
I’m generally someone who embraces change, and as much as I’d like to dress this up as adventure and courage, it mostly has more to do with search and longing. I love the potential in new chapters. Like the morning that promises a refresh on the day before. With each new day, with each new season, we are always moving forward in one way or another.
Knowing this about myself, when SO MANY changes occurred this year, I threw myself into them wholeheartedly …or as my mother would have said, ‘with reckless abandon’. Only now as I pause to reflect can I see that my life is wholly unrecognisable to what it was 12 months ago. That doesn’t make it negative, just incredibly and irrevocably different. I hear similar stories from clients who’ve become parents for the first time. A sudden dawning, often after the child is born, of the sheer magnitude of momentous change.
I was discussing with my own therapist recently about what this year’s tectonic shift has seemed to shake in me. If I love change, why would this be so destabilising? If the change is positive, why would I feel so lost? In a moment of over-dramatic existential meltdown, I expressed that I feel I don’t know who I am anymore, but nor do I know how to return to who I was. Ever the sensei, he simply responded, “Because you can never go back. Even if you return to what’s familiar, you’re not the same person. Everything is a path forward”.
Comforting as this was not, his words worked their magic on me over the coming days as I reflected on this premise. Having ‘returned’ from my inner freak-out, I could see that in the past, my experiences of change had been balanced (albeit unconsciously) by that which stayed consistent. If I were to change job or relationship for example, I would inevitably also seek out old friends, revisit favourite restaurants, and curl up with my most re-watched movies. I’d instinctively find small counterbalances to the burgeoning unknown.
It’s no wonder that during the pandemic so many people developed or exacerbated habits and addictions. So much self-soothing is found through repeating what’s familiar. It’s the driving force behind compulsion - seeking connection or mastery of that which we know.
To my therapist’s point however, these repetitions are ultimately a false return. Moments are unique so experiences are always new, whether that’s a re-run of a movie, a meal, or a relationship.
It felt clear to me then, that the psychological wasteland I’d found myself in was because I hadn’t acknowledged what I’d need on this latest transition. In changing all parameters, nothing was familiar, and I no longer recognised who I was. I retained nothing that would balance me and threw myself into a sky-dive without considering the required parachute. To add insult to insanity, whilst in the panic of free-fall, my brain simply told me I needed to “get a grip!”.
Sometimes life calls for us to make big changes, like becoming a parent, changing our identities, or relocating to a new country and culture. These monumental shifts, no matter how positive, will inevitably cause a certain amount of pain and discomfort, like a snake shedding a skin. We are trained to see pain as a negative, or an alarm bell. We might panic that these feelings indicate wrong moves or bad choices. With conscious awareness, we can embrace the excitement of change, but also accept that aches and pains are necessary parts of growing. By telling myself change was easy, I’d only caused myself more pain in the confusion of finding it hard. However we choose to move forward, it’s best to do so gently, not forgetting to pack an emotional parachute if needed, or at least a favourite movie or two for the journey.
Change of Mind..
There is no backward direction we can take, we are constantly moving forward even when we stick to the familiar.
Change is innately unsettling to the human psyche. We will naturally seek comfort to counterbalance. If we are mindful of this, we can make better informed choices about what it is we really need.
We are complex beings - so with positive change we can still experience some seemingly negative emotions - it’s all part of the process.
Contemplating Change…
What were the biggest changes that happened if your life so far? How did they shape you?
How do you mostly feel in times that require transition? Do you embrace or resist change?
What behaviours, activities or people do you rely on for familiarity and comfort?
Actioning Change…
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